A Blog For Mo

Closure

2010-01-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

Even if its just Jenn & Bob that read this, Rick says it needs closure, and I agree. It feels weird to write on this blog because I feel like it should just be about cancer, and that's not something I want to think about or write about all the time anymore. There are still little things that stop me in my tracks and make me wonder if that's just a regular pain or a cancer pain, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I hated the day that I realized that cancer has a whole new meaning. Its never something that's going to completely go away. It's going to be a constant thought in the back of my head somewhere. That still frustrates me, but it gets easier. Most days I'm completely confident that I'm fine and some days I don't think about it at all. Progress, right?
I wish there was a way I could thank everyone that helped and still helps us. I'll never be able to properly "repay" anyone. If I could afford to, I'd buy Brent a house on a river somewhere, my dad the porsche 911 he's always wanted, spend a day (or a week?) at the spa and shopping with my mom, buy a few more dozen horses for my Aunt Linda, pay off Rick & Debbie's new boat, just give out money or something... :) I know all they really want is for me to be ok, they don't want to be given anything, but I still wish I could.
I take tamoxifen for the next four years. It creates some pretty intense mood swings. Maybe they were there before, now I just have another excuse. :) I don't have hot flashes hardly ever, so that's nice. There are some other minor side effects, but they're minimal. I see my oncologist every 3 months where she checks for tumors, feels me up a bit, that sort of thing. :) She always has new information and recent studies she's read and calls on Sundays from her home phone if she needs to. She works way too hard, and I feel very lucky that she does.
Overall, life is great. Max & Cannon are hilarious. Cannon will be two at the end of this month and Max will be four soon. We all had a great Christmas at my Aunt's house, and at Rick & Debbie's house. I loved getting to hang out with my nephews, they're wonderful with Max & Cannon. The first time I saw Drew (who is 6) after I started growing hair last summer, he just stared at me. He was trying really hard to listen to what I was saying, but he kept looking up at my head. I finally figured it out. I said "do you want me to take my hat off so you can see that there's hair there?" He smiled and said "yeah." Then he and Tanner asked me how long until my hair looked like girls hair again. Ha ha, I love them. But, I'm not going to have girls hair again guys, I like it short.
So, Jenn also says I should post some pictures.

Max & Cannon and I at the zoo. We packed a lot of fun into our summer.

Race for the Cure in September with two of my favorite people in the world, even though I rarely get to see them, Lisa & Lauren.

One of my students walked in the Race for the Cure as well, and wrote this to wear in the race. It was the first cry of the day...

This is Max's pre-school field trip to the pumpkin patch in October

Our family, and I love saying that. I don't wear this hat often anymore because I wore it so much last year, now when I see pictures I feel like I still look sick.

Most of the SunRiver group (minus Ryan, Amy, & Ava) waiting for Santa Claus to fly in.

This is Max & Cannon and their cousins, Conner, Tanner, & Drew

We haven't uploaded Christmas pics to the computer yet, so that's about all we've got. Maybe I'll start another blog that's less cancer-y. :)

Thanks

No pictures

2009-07-12T20:38:00.001-07:00

I don't have pictures because they're on the camera, and they'll probably be there for a while. I'm just not that on top of things. :) The last surgery is over, and we're feeling good! I have a little bit of ache, but not bad at all. I can't pick up Max & Cannon, which irritates me the most, but hopefully its the last time! We spent the weekend in Prineville with family and friends, and had a blast. I stayed in Prineville for a while with mom and dad so they can lift Max & Cannon for me. We also realized that Brent and I and the boys haven't been here in a year. Since my parents were at our house so much, we weren't here at all. Its kind of nice to be here in the quiet. Except for the neighboring cow that moos me awake about 6AM, its wonderfully quiet.
Max and Cannon had a great week with Rick & Debbie. They got new lunch boxes that they played with for hours. Max's has Lightning McQueen on it, he's obsessed with the Cars movie. Cannon's is John Deer. Both kids are tractor fanatics. They pretend to go to work with their lunch boxes over and over again. They're getting so much better at playing together, its awesome. They still have their moments where Max screams and Cannon tries to take a chunk out of Max's arm with his teeth, but it is getting better. At one point Max had 2 black eyes, and Cannon had one. We currently are back to no black eyes, so we don't look like abusers anymore.
Brent is back to work after 2 weeks off for vacation and sick leave. He's hopefully going to get some sleep while we're not home. A whole bed to himself, the AC on all week so the house will be at like 60 degrees, plus a fan on, and no little cars to step on, he should be good.
Its so nice for us to have 2 sets of grandparents that Max & Cannon love. They have a great time, and are very spoiled by all four of them. Such lucky boys. I worry a lot less about them turning out as decent human beings when they have so many people to love them. I'll still worry, but less. :)

Mini Pukers

2009-06-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

Max has 2 black eyes. Cannon we thought would have a black eye, but its just a scrape right next to his eye. We're not abusers I swear. :) We went to Montana to visit, and Max caught Tanner's head with one eye, and Tanner's foot with his other eye. Total accident of course, but he's pretty funny looking. Cannon's scrape is from Max and a toy helicopter incident. Boys.

Turns out Cannon gets car sick. Max gets car sick too, but not nearly to the extreme of Cannon. Jerrad thinks this is funny, I think mainly because he is still bitter from having family vacations of vomit smelling vehicles from Brent. We hit Hood River last Wednesday, and just as Brent and Max made into McDonald's, Cannon puked his guts all over himself, car, carseat, etc. Wow, awesome. We got him all cleaned up, and the car seat as puke free as we could, and headed out again to Walla Walla. About Boardman, he puked again. I don't know if you're familiar with Boardman, but its on I - 84, the straightest road ever. Who pukes on straight roads!? Apparently, Cannon. I then wedged myself between car seats in the backseat of the subaru. We have a puke bowl that goes on all car trips. Cannon, only being one, doesn't yet get the "puke in the bowl" game. My plan was to sit with the bowl on my lap, stare at Cannon and watch for signs of up-chuck to catch them in the bowl. Good times huh!? It wasn't a perfect plan, but sitting between the seats was better than sitting in the front seat, facing backwards. Both Max & Cannon fell asleep about 20 minutes outside of Walla Walla. We washed everything, and had dinner and stayed with Diane & Gary. The next day we headed to Missoula totally afraid of more of the same. Luckily, Cannon fell asleep pretty early, and only had one small "urp." I called the doctor today to ask about medications to drug the little guy for future car trips. He didn't have anything for little dudes younger than 6. Poor kid, he's just miserable and exhausted and sick the whole trip.

We are headed to Tillamook next week for the fourth. We're taking the tent trailer to sleep in, and I'm thrilled! We are very much looking forward to visiting with Brent's family and relaxing. Max & Cannon will stay there the following week for some fun grandparent time, and because I'll be having surgery. THE LAST ONE! I won't be able to lift them for a while, but I'm very excited to have it all over and done with.

Holiday Road

2009-06-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

We (and Rick & Debbie) are buying a pop-up tent trailer. Its going to be on a time share situation between Sweet Home and Tillamook. Look how cute it is!! :) I'm so excited! We get to test it out before we officially buy it, Brent's boss is a heck of a nice guy to let us do that. We popped it up yesterday, and it was like a transformer. I'd never been inside one, so I was totally impressed. Max & Cannon had dinner in the trailer. The door is attached to the ceiling, and then comes down, the beds slide out and the stove can attach to the outside so you can cook out there and not get the trailer too hot. Holy crap its awesome. I've been singing that song from the movie "Vacation," with Chevy Chase. "Holiday road...." Unfortunately that's the only words I know, so its the same verse over and over.
Today is also the students' last day of school, so maybe some of my excitement has something to do with that as well...

Laundry

2009-06-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

They do get along and play together once in a while. :)

Max hates that sticky popsicle juice is running all over his hand. Seriously, high maintenance three year old. Gotta love him. Cannon had a popsicle too, juice and goo everywhere. I think maybe over 1/2 of our laundry is from Cannon.

You'll notice in the background of most of our pictures that there is constant laundry and or laundry baskets. The basket doesn't have a "place" that it gets put away to anymore, its just constantly on the floor. I'm sure that laundry will get much worse in my future with 2 boys, but its pretty impressive right now. Especially with Cannon roaming around. Here's a picture of Max & Cannon actually playing on the pile of laundry. Its a clean pile, but its become a playground.

There are a lot of pictures of Cannon here because Max won't let us take his picture. We have to bribe him, but Cannon is great at saying "cheese." Its one of the few words he says that everyone understands, so he says it often. He loves shoes, his, Max's, Brent's, mine, all of them. He has my shoes and Brent's hat on. The hat comes way closer to fitting than the shoes. (And again laundry in the background)

Cannon loves Brent. I mean, of course he loves his dad, who doesn't like Brent, but the kid is a daddy's boy. Brent is usually gone in the morning by the time the little dudes wake up. Last week Brent was here when Cannon woke up. Usually, I walk in, we play peek a boo through the crib, he kind of giggles, but just lays there smiling. Brent walks in, and the kid is standing up in about 10 seconds. He rockets up and says "DADDY!" He was thrilled. Once Brent picked him up, he just laid his head on his shoulder, perfectly content, and would sigh every once in a while. :) It was cool.

Relay for Life

2009-06-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

Brent's boss and his family donated in my name to a Relay for Life event in Medford. It was incredibly generous and thoughtful. Happy tears. :) The first picture is of the luminarias lit up at night, the second is the one that was made for me. I know Donna made one for me last year in Tillamook as well. Very flattering, and humbling to see how many are out there.

Mom guilt

2009-05-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that mom guilt is the strongest force in the universe. When Max was still a baby I remember telling my mom that I felt guilty over something. (I don't even remember what it is now), and she just said "yeah, that guilt doesn't go away... ever." So true! I feel guilt that I work all day and don't see Max and Cannon. At some point during the summer I will feel guilt that the only person they get to see for most of the day is me, and they're not getting enough social interaction. On the outside looking in, I know its absurd and ridiculous, but I live inside my head, not outside.
When I talked to the social worker after radiation one day she was just talking introductory type stuff. She said "your kids are never going to forget who mom is." I immediately started crying. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn't control it, and I was totally unprepared for that reaction. Someday when Max and Cannon are teenagers, don't ever tell them I have this incredible guilt going, they'll be able to get away with anything. "Mom, remember how you didn't nurture me enough when I was a baby!? Buy me a car!" Done, convertible ok?
We painted this weekend. We are on yellow/gold color #2,and its looking good. I didn't spend every waking minute with my children when I hardly get to see them during the week. I feel guilt over painting a bedroom. Wow, mom guilt, serious stuff.

Little Dudes

2009-05-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if you want to hear from me anymore or not, but I figure if you don't, then don't type in the web address. :) I thought I'd post some pictures of the little guys for the friends and family far away.

The other day before school I was trying to get Max's shoes on to leave. Cannon wanted to be held and anything else made him run screaming from the room. I sat down, put Max on my lap to put on his shoes, and it apparently pushed Cannon over the edge and he just slapped Max in the face. Usually when he's biting or hitting (we're working on it, I swear), he does it more discreetly. So, because of this behavior, I don't really blame Max when he doesn't want to hang out with Cannon. I offered the two of them candy to get them to be nice to each other in this picture. Max's version of being nice was to pet Cannon's head. Whatever, it'll work.

We try to read to the little dudes at least before they go to bed. Max loves books, Cannon is constant motion. He tends to roam the room while books are being read. He sometimes looks at the book, tries to put his feet in the way, tries to hold the book, tries to block Max from seeing the book, seriously never stops moving. How do little brothers just have that innate ability to frustrate their siblings!?

Cannon insists on doing everything himself, especially if Max is doing it too. I know this is a good thing that he is becoming more independent, but can be frustrating when I have a certain time to get to work. He ate yogurt all by himself, and was so proud. He walks belly-out everywhere he goes, so the mess has extra emphasis. We've started calling him pig-pen.

This is both Max & Cannon saying "cheese." They didn't require a candy bribe for this one, but just before this picture, they were fighting over the space on my lap.

Picture

2009-05-14T09:00:00.001-07:00

Dress like a student day, and I have hair long enough to spike!

Regular

2009-05-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

My mom mentioned that I should put on here that my scans came back "regular." The CT scan showed a blood clot in an ovarian vein. Dr. Lee says its not normal, but its nothing to worry about. She actually said its just weird. If its still there for the next scan, then we might do a sonogram to check it out. For the bone scan they called yesterday to tell me its normal. Every time a doctor calls my phone, my heart beats a bit faster. I pay attention to where I am and who's around in case its bad news and I need to run somewhere and hide. The next scans I think I'll pick a different hospital in the area where the IV may not be such a process. I'm hoping it isn't that much of a production every time I need an injection or a blood draw. Not cool, but not the end of the world.

Scans

2009-05-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

What a cute kid in the grass!! What a huge head he has!! He's still in the 99th percentile for head size. The kid's a genius!

I had a bone scan and a CT scan yesterday. I again got to drink the "berry flavored smoothie" that tastes like rotten lemonade and old milk. My stomach loved it. They have to inject you with some radioactive stuff, so it involves some needles. The lady that was there to inject me had a nervous twitch, and had one eye that didn't open all the way. Um, really? She's going to come at me with needles? Great. I talked to her as calmly as possible. I tried to reassure her when she was apologizing for missing the vein, and trying to push the needle in farther. Apparently the veins on my right arm are difficult to deal with. Finally she surrendered and we brought in woman #2 who stabbed my hand and we're good.

I find out the results in the next day or so. I'm not really too worried about it which surprises me. I'm pretty confident that its all fine, maybe its me being naive, but whatever!

Hair

2009-05-04T21:20:00.001-07:00

I think my hair is about an inch long. I have a student who shaved (buzzed) his hair after mine started growing back. He claims he didn't shave it for me, but I told him anyone that shaved their head in the last few months must have done it out of support for me. :) Anyway, he had great hair, like Pantene commercial, blowing in the breeze hair. His is longer than mine now, and halfway down his forehead already. I'm jealous, his hair is annhilating my hair! Total crap.

On the other end, my dad cut his hair. All of it. Its back to short and above his ears. He's also clean-shaven which he does from time to time. He was really afraid that Max & Cannon weren't going to recognize him. Max noticed and forgot in about 2 minutes, and I don't know that Cannon even noticed. His hair hasn't been this short in at least 10-12 years. It takes some getting used to! It used to kind of bother me that people didn't recognize me when I didn't have hair, or even now with minimal hair. I'm finally realizing that people weren't not recognizing me because I had cancer, it was just like a dramatic hair cut, it throws you off at first. :)

The rest of the fam is doing well. Max & Cannon are in need of haircuts. Max let a woman in Tillamook cut his hair awhile ago. He won't let me do it, plus I suck at it. We may have to make another trip to the coast just for a 3 year old haircut. No, they're not spoiled, I swear.

Sparkling

2009-04-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

Rick, Brent, Dad and I dug some serious razor clams. They were awesome!!

When I was in high school there was this creepy kid that said my eyes sparkled and Marisa and Lisa haven't let me forget it. Just when I'm feeling pretty good, they tell me my eyes sparkle with as much sarcasm as they can muster. Assholes. Makes me laugh every time. Anyway, this weekend my dad said the sparkle is back in my eyes. He didn't mean it like the creepy kid did though. I'm feeling good, I'm living a normal life, I have energy, I'm myself again, not a shadow of myself, its good.

I went back to the oncologist the other day and she kind of told me what to be aware of, and what to check for, but she also told me not to let it consume me. She wants me to check areas around my neck for swelling and lumps, but she said do not do it everyday, because then you'll be thinking about it and worrying about it everyday. She emphasized that its her job to worry about it and think about it, so give that to her. That was really good to hear.

She also checked my vitamin D levels when they took my blood. They check for other proteins that indicate cancer too, but the vitamin D level was intriguing to me. There was a study from last December that showed a direct correlation between breast cancer and vitamin D deficiency. They are now conducting studies that relate vitamin D deficiency to other cancers. She also said that 80% of the US is vitamin D deficient. Crazy. I just got my results back and I have a certain amount to take daily, so I should be in good shape. My students asked if they could work outside the other day, so I told them they could, but first made them listen to my vitamin D speech.

I have my last surgery scheduled for July 7th. I go home the same day. I'm excited to get that one over and done with. I'm not excited to be in pain again and not be able to lift my kids again, but it won't be as painful or as intensive, plus it's the last one!

The Bowling Party

2009-04-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from the party. Rick was in charge of pictures, and I'm totally impressed. He got two pictures of Lisa, which is really hard to do, and two pictures of my Aunt Linda. These are two people who will avoid pictures like you wouldn't believe, but who can say no to Rick?

Ready to bowl dude...

Says it all

My grandparents are awesome

New Bff - Liam & Max

Ava - star bowler

Debbie and her sisters, they just kind of look alike

I love my sister inlaws!!

Dad, Mom, her two brothers and our friend Melody. This is the genetic reason I now have gray hair. Its not chemo, its Cannons. Seriously, check it out, all white haired, then there's my dad, "The Dude" at a bowling alley.

Aunt Linda, creator of "Mr. Poopy" and the cute kid is of course, Brent

Randy & Nell - big blog commenters and supporters!! Also Jerrad, Brent's brother who came all the way from Montana.

I never thought I looked like my brother until I shaved my head... Lisa told a few people to wear their pink shirts to the party, but then everyone decided not to. Nobody told Amos they decided not to. Ha ha, he's not bitter. He was also complete with the acid wash jeans to match the blog pic. Classy.

Sorry if you're tired of pictures. I love them. Cannon and both grandpas.

One last picture of some of my friends. Justin King, Lisa, Melodie, DeAnn, & Nolan. See, I told you I had the biggest support group ever. There are still tons more pics of family and friends, plus those that couldn't make it. I'm so flattered, and loved, and wow. Thanks!

Positive Thinking

2009-04-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

Doctors and nurses (and family and friends, etc) kept telling me not to underestimate the power of positive thinking. Do you realize how much easier it is to think positively when the weather is beautiful outside!? There are days I get freaked out about "what if the cancer comes back!?" I can get pretty worked up when my mind really goes for it. Days like Saturday, Sunday and today when its beautiful, we're weeding in the yard, we're playing soccer (some version of it) with Max & Cannon, there are NO negative cancer thoughts in mind. Days like today I think "cancer? no problem, kicked its butt." Overall, there are more 'sunshine' days in my head then there are 'rainy' days, so that's a start!! Bob & Donna - enjoy the sunshine in Hawaii!!

60 years!

2009-04-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo sunshine! It was gorgeous over here today. Granted, I still had long pants and a sweatshirt on because I'm so tough, but the sun was out, and my nose looks a little Rudolph like. Fabulous! What this means is that Brent will bust out the fan in our bedroom in the next week or so because "its too damn hot!" Then he'll fart right in front of it, let it waft in my face and laugh like its the funniest thing ever. I don't think the cancer card is going to be very effective with this one... Married life is nothing but glamorous!!

My grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this week. Check that out! I don't know how you tolerate anyone for 60 years!? I get annoyed with myself after too long. Brent and his fan for 60 years... oh dear. :)

Surprise!

2009-03-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

Cannon does surprised way better than I do. I was totally surprised, and totally embarrassed. For those of you who didn't know, (and I'm guessing by cards, texts, letters, calls, most of you already know), but Sam threw me a surprise "no more cancer" party. Planned it all, made invitations, the whole deal. She's amazing. I am very, very, flattered and humbled by how many of you have been so helpful and supportive. I can't believe how many of you drove all the way to Portland for us. Thank you. More tears of joy when I think about it. I really wish I could have sat and talked with everyone there, but it didn't seem to work out that way. I would try to express how much I love and care for all of you, but I'm not very good at the sentimental, the sarcasm is more my comfort zone.

People keep asking me if I'll keep up the blog now that the cancer stuff is done. I don't know. I don't know that my life is very eventful. It sounds like a lot of pressure to keep you all entertained. :) I have a few more check ups and one more surgery, so I'll at least keep venting until then.

THANK YOU SAM!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT MEANT TO ME.

Kid pics

2009-03-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

I don't realize how much Cannon understands. I had a scarf on to go to school the other day, so Max wanted a scarf. So he grabs one, and as I'm putting it on Max, Cannon walks over and gets himself one too. Put Cannon's scarf on, tell Max to go get his coat. As I put Max's coat on, Cannon brings me his coat. Holy crap, I have two genius children who can totally take care of themselves, but will scam me into doing everything for them. Brilliant!

For some reason, when I put pictures on here, they all end up at the top, but I'll try to space them out again. Cannon has a look that he gets on his face that we call "the furrowed brow." Its sort of a "what the hell is the matter with you look." Brent got a good picture of it the other day.

We had a birthday party for Max because he's turning three this week. He had a great day. Joy (our phenomenal babysitter and friend) started telling Max that he couldn't wear diapers anymore once he turned three because it was illegal. Between that and my mom refusing to put a diaper on him, Max is now a potty kid. I don't know if I'm happier to be cancer free or to have Max use the toilet. :) We took a picture of him sitting on it, which made him really mad, someday he'll hate us for things like this. This is a picture of Max with his cake that Debbie made. He's staring at people singing to him a little unsure of how to handle it. :)

The port removal spot is a little sore still, but not bad. I took a nap today, did some weeding, went for a walk with the fam, had a normal day. It was awesome!
Here are Max, Cannon and I reading a book. What a cool life I have.

Yeeee!

2009-03-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

I was in the regular office for the "procedure," but I was in the back creepy room. I walk in to a room that has the windows boarded up, a dental chair, and all the tools laid out ready to go. Seeing this is not comforting. I got a little shaky to be honest, and the shaky didn't really stop until about an hour after I left.
The during wasn't painful, and the assistant, who I love, totally distracted me by talking about anything and everything. It was helpful, but when you can see the "thread" being tightened about two feet above you, its kind of hard to ignore. Why that much thread was required, I have no idea. The doctor cut out the old scar since it was huge. He is hoping that the new scar will form better since my body isn't going through chemo, I should be more prepared to handle it. When the numbing stuff wore off I was definitely sore last night. I took some good drugs and went to bed early. I feel much better today, but still definitely achy. I again am not supposed to lift my kids, throw a softball, or swing a bat. I suppose I should have thought of this before I got it taken out, but I stupidly thought I would be fine. I wish they would have realized that I am an idiot when they scheduled it and talked to me more about what I wouldn't be able to do after the fact. I started helping the JV softball coach on Monday, then Tuesday I got to show up and tell her I can't really do anything. How helpful am I!?
The good news, the very good news is that ITS OUT! One more thing to cross of the list.

Reality

2009-03-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Back to reality! Brent and I had a great weekend, but of course forgot the camera... Gifted. Its usually Brent that actually remembers things like that, so I'm going to blame him. He'll love that. There were some beautiful days and views of mountains, water, etc. you'll just have to trust me. We had great food, did get to sleep in, and tried some Port Townsend beer that was great. It was a lot of time in the car, but we're used to that, so it was fun. Oh, we went to Port Townsend by the way. Its about a 35-40 minutes ferry ride from Seattle. Very relaxing, quiet little place. It was perfect for us.

I get the port yanked tomorrow. I'm tempted to do an online search and what comes up when I look for "port yanked," but I'm afraid of what I'll find. I'm sure it will not end up being a big deal, but it freaks me out. I had to be knocked out to put it in, a whole other surgery, etc. Now, to take it out, its an in-office deal!? Nobody has to drive me home, so there aren't enough drugs to calm me down... Oh geez. I picture blood squirting everywhere, the doctor laughing, and me sitting with my eyes closed waiting for it all to be over. I have a slight (major) tendency to over-react so I'm sure I'll be laughing at myself tomorrow night, but until then, I'm a little on edge. I'll be thrilled when its out though, it irritates the crap out of me. Some people leave them in forever. They love them. I don't get those people.

Brent

2009-03-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

So there's this kid that I live with by the name of Brent. He and I have been basically co-existing for the last 6 months. Maybe you've heard of him? People tell me he's a nice guy...

Brent and I are going on a trip this weekend and thanks to the fabulous parents that I have, we are ditching the little dudes. We're not totally sure where we're headed, probably farther than originally planned because this Brent kid likes to drive. We have also been deemed "road whores." I'm excited to get to know this "Brent" character. I plan to sleep in, drink coffee, read a newspaper, and probably drink a beer or margarita or two.

WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

2009-03-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

I cried when I left the doctor's office yesterday. Total happy cry, and cry of relief, whatever, but it was awesome. I literally skipped to my last appointment. Brent met me in the waiting room with flowers, because he's wonderful and thoughtful. I still have appointments, final things to be done, but the big stuff is done!!!!!!! The "treatments" that are horrible for your body, (but that kill cancer) are done. The doctor warned me that my energy would not necessarily come back overnight. There are people who feel the worst the two weeks after their last dose. I don't care, I'm done.
I told Max and Cannon that I didn't have to go to any more doctors appointments for a while and that I was all better. Max said "so you can race now? and wrestle?" Cannon pointed out the window and said "dah?" Ha ha.
Without sounding too much like an Oscar acceptance speech... there's no way Brent and I would have made it through all this without help from our friends and family so thank you! We still have some ups and downs with check-ups and such, but we're feeling pretty good about now!!

Pictures and Uno Mas!

2009-03-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

I have a before and after, sort of. The first picture is from Cannon's birthday party, the end of January. Notice first the cute kid in the red chair. That would be the can man. Then notice the shiny bald head next to him. The lack of eyebrows and eyelashes is not a cool photo shop thing, that's how bare my face was. Pretty sweet. The next two pictures are from today. Not only is there color on my face, but Hair! Eyebrows! Eyelashes! Oh no! The last picture is Max actually letting me take his picture. It doesn't happen often. I can't believe how big these guys are. I look at pictures from June and Max looks so different now, crazy.

I have ONE MORE!! Monday is the very last one. Holy cow. This week the fatigue definitely caught up with me. I have aches and pains and I'm exhausted. I can't believe that we're actually at the end of this. So long ago Brent and I would look toward spring break as a "done by then" thing, and its here. Unbelievable.

I have an appointment to get the port out on March 17th. Its an office visit. I'm a little freaked out with how that process goes, but I guess we'll see. They'll have to cut into me, and I know its sewn into a vein, so I'm a little unnerved about that. I'm thrilled to get it out, but yikes. I'm guessing Brent won't make it through that without passing out. The surgeon takes it out, and I haven't seen him since the day before chemo #1, so it'll be nice to see him again. Some people don't recognize me if they haven't seen me in a while. Apparently I look quite different with no hair. :)

THREE LEFT!!!!

2009-03-05T11:52:00.001-08:00

Wow, in the single digits and counting. I am exhausted, but the light at the end of the tunnel is incredibly bright. They say it will take me 2 to 3 months before my energy level is totally back to normal. I'm thinking the adrenaline rush of being done with "treatment" may speed up that process!! The area where my tumor was is a little achy from time to time. The doctor told me yesterday that that is normal considering they're hitting that area pretty hard with radiation. Its natural for it to be inflamed, apparently. The doctor also said that she doesn't think the area under my arm is going to get any worse, it should start to heal from here. What will I have to talk about after all of this? I'm running out of time to play my cancer card for sympathy. Maybe I should shave my head again just for pity. My eyebrows are in, my eyelashes are almost all the way in, I have hair laying flat on most of my head. I kind of feel like Pinocchio, "I'm a real girl!" Ha ha

Oregonian

2009-03-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

Its never fun to see those you care about in pain. Its even worse when there's very little if anything that you can do to help or ease their pain. That's pretty much how Brent and I felt all weekend, and still feel. We went to my cousin's funeral which was, of course, horribly sad. Her kids are amazing and adorable and are handling it all as best they can. Her husband Dave is also amazing and is a great dad. All of her family is very close and they take good care of each other. I know they will all eventually be ok. It will take a lot of time, and a lot of hurt, but they will make it.

While in California with some of the Cannon clan, I was told numerous times that I look like a Cannon, and more specifically my cousin Jen. I have never been told this in my life, so I'm pretty sure the Cannon comparison is from the gray hair. My cousin Jen is one of the family that everytime we went to visit, I felt like I needed to dress a little nicer and look a lot better just to hang out with them. Now I care a little less, but I'll take it as a total compliment to look like her. :)

Yesterday on the way back we had two lay-overs. We first flew to Phoenix, where the airport had to be 90 degrees. I was dying. I'm pretty sure it was a giant hot flash because Brent was totally comfortable and no one around me seemed phased by the incredible heat wave that hit. I felt like sweat was beading up on my head and on my back, and my armpit was on fire. It was awesome. Anyway, I finally recovered in time to get on the plane and then fly to Vegas. Great. The airport was cool enough, but the plane to Portland was cramped, and hot. By the time we finally got off the plane in Portland, I was thrilled to see cold, rainy weather. I usually like warm weather, but apparently I have adapted to this rainy Willamette Valley stuff. I wanted to cry when I went outside into fresh air and rain I was so happy. Weird. I thought the hot flashes were going away, I was wrong.

I have five treatments left. Today was the last one that aimed at the larger area. I now have five final treatments that are targeted at my scar and the location of where the tumor was. These are outlined in a very high tech fashion. Its a drawing on my chest using a sharpie. The drawing faded while we were gone this weekend, so I had to call the radiation people. Brent and I had to buy a sharpie and re-trace to make sure it didn't disappear.

Shock

2009-02-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

My armpit is dark red, purple, and blackish in parts. It hurts and feels like the skin is stretching, but its not bad. I haven't written anything in a while because I'm in shock. Monday we found out that my cousin passed away. Out of nowhere. She was 38, married and has 3 kids. She went to the doctor at 10 in the morning or so because she'd been sick for a while and by 3:30 she was gone. She had complications due to pneumonia. Its rare, and seems more like a freak accident. Brent and I are headed to southern California for the funeral, which will hopefully be somewhat healing for us, but mainly for her husband, children, parents, siblings, and friends.

Update

2009-02-20T10:56:00.001-08:00

Max will tell you that he fed these cows at the farm. What happened was he picked up some hay and threw it their direction. See how excited he is to be so close to the cows? He's so brave.

The eyebrow update: still not normal, but they're making progress. The five o'clock shadow look is still there. I have done some plucking of them. I don't know if I was doing it to avoid having a uni-brow, or just out of excitement that I had the option to pluck. I have some eyelashes on their way in I think I mentioned before. I tried to put mascara on them, which was ridiculous considering they're like millimeters long. Literally, millimeters. I ended up with black smudge all over the place. For someone who never really liked wearing make-up, I'm sure working hard at getting more on there. The hair on the sides of my head lay down flat most of the time instead of sticking straight out. The hair on top sticks straight up in the air still. Its about 1/4 of an inch long. There is the occasional hair that rockets up to 1/2 an inch. over-achievers. I have leg hair and arm hair growing in. I was told that during radiation the hair on my armpit wouldn't grow. It's growing, and I'm pissed. I was hoping to never have to shave that sucker again. No such luck.

I haven't had any more dizziness. The doctor claims that it wasn't because of the amount of wax in my ear, but I have my doubts. How can that much stuff not cause issues!? I get tired and go to bed about 8 - 8:30, and sleep like a log. Since I don't usually go to bed that early, I would say I have some fatigue. It helps TONS that my Aunt is here. I have more time to play with Max & Cannon, and I have much less to do in the evening which has helped immensely. There is some burning, but its still pretty minimal. The dr. said there's a chance that Monday it could suddenly get bad over night. She has apparently had a couple of instances like that that have "surprised her." I don't feel like a surprising case, so I think I'll be good.

I'm thrilled its Friday! Have a good weekend!!

Eyebrow stubble

2009-02-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

Debbie says I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my eyebrows. Its more like a 2 month shadow, but they're on their way to being big kid eyebrows again! Eyelashes you still have to get pretty close to the mirror to see them, but they're on the way as well! One student told me today that they didn't think they could get used to me having hair again. It was also pointed out to me this weekend that if the worst thing I have to complain about is waxy ears and eyebrow stubble, then I'm doing pretty good. Good point!
I have three weeks of radiation left! It has gone by really quickly so far. On Dr. Wednesday I'm going to ask about getting the port out. I'm not excited about more procedures to remove it, but I don't want that sucker in there for any longer than it needs to be. I think they told me that they can take it out in the office. Yikes, that sounds a little frightening since its sewn into a vein, but we'll see! The drains just got yanked in the office after surgery so its possible.
We went to Brent's grandma's dairy farm in Grants Pass this weekend. It was relaxing, and fun to visit. Max & Cannon got to see some cows. Max was afraid of the cows (big shocker). He didn't like the cows looking at him. He kept telling me to look at their eyes. It took Rick a while to coax him to walk in the cow poop too. He didn't want to get his boots yucky. :) Gotta love that kid. Brent stayed home because he had to work one day, so he got some rest too.

Ear Wax

2009-02-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

I get dizzy from time to time. Brief, and usually when I'm tired, but some dizziness I started noticing about the middle of January. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing at the time, how often it happens, etc. I just notice that things are a little screwy, and then a few seconds later, everything is good again. The first couple I figured was a chemo thing and my body just dealing with it all. I finally remembered to ask the radiation doc about them, she says ask the chemo doc. I ask chemo doc, she says "that shouldn't be from the chemo anymore, we want you to come in so we can check it out." I panic. I immediately decide I have brain cancer. It has spread to my brain, I'm doing all this crap over again, blah blah blah. Objectively, I know this process of thinking is ridiculous, but I'm living inside my head, not a normal rational head. I called Brent to get myself calmed down, and was fine. Its just a realization that every time I go to the doctor, there's going to be this underlying fear that I have cancer. Good stuff! Apparently my Aunt Linda a long time ago was sure she had leg cancer, but it turns out that since she was pregnant with Josh at the time that he was sitting on her nerve and creating the "cancerous" pain. Apparently this cancer fear that I have also has some genetic background.

I went to the doctor today and she said its nothing to worry about. She listened to the heart, breathing, etc., she checked out my eyes and ears and such, and I'm good. She said its probably my body just dealing with everything, and if it keeps happening to pay closer attention to what's going on when it happens. I haven't had it in like a week or so. While looking in my ears however, she noticed some serious ear wax. Huge amounts of goo came out of my ear today. Huge. I could bottle it and sell it at Halloween. She had this really long Q tip, and dug it out, and ew. Huge. She pulls out one chunk of goo and its about the size of a large ant. I'm disgusted and disturbed, and a little impressed, so she throws that away, and looks in my ear again only to find that there is another chunk of goo equal in size to the first. You would think that I was deaf in that ear, I don't know how I heard anything with that in there. Impressive. Apparently this happens from time to time with chemo patients. Ear wax is also a side effect of chemo. Weird.

Aunt Linda has been here since Tuesday night, and is heading home tomorrow. We have been incredibly spoiled. She has the little dudes bathed and ready to eat when I get home, my laundry was folded today, and the house smells good because dinner is ready. She's the best housewife ever. A little crazy, but in a fun way. :) She was on a mission to potty train Max, so she brought Mr. Poopy. This is a doll that is about three feet long and made of brown fleece. She made him. He is full of toys so when you go to the bathroom, you get a toy. The toy only comes after the song and the dance. See, crazy, but a fun crazy. :) So far Max isn't buying it. Linda has a toy, I have 2 toys, and Brent has a toy. Max doesn't care, he points them out and doesn't even try to play with them. No jealousy, nothing. Yesterday I asked him if he would like to use the potty so he could have a toy and he said "no Mommy, I have enough toys." Seriously!? Don't give me crap about my diaper wearing son when he's 10 years old or older, we have officially tried it all...

I have been feeling really good. Its easy to make it through the day when I have this much help around. Between my mom and Linda, when Brent and I have to do all the work around here again, its going to be really exhausting. :) I have a little bit of burn, but not bad. Some clothes are becoming more comfortable than others, and I go to bed pretty early, but overall its pretty easy. Have a good weekend! Oh, and I tried to take a picture of my eyebrow, but I couldn't get it to work. I was cracking up trying to get the right angle and I found myself smiling for a picture of my eyebrow, but the camera won't focus on my eyebrow that close. At some angles the flash just reflects off my head. ha ha I do have eyebrow stubble though, so there's progress...

Emu Oil

2009-02-06T20:08:00.000-08:00

Here's that pic of Cannon walking. He rocks, and he has a Bob Marley shirt from Uncle Amos. What's cooler than that?

Week three is done, nearing halfway!! I'm starting to burn I think. I can feel some pain under my left arm, but its not bad. I had someone tell me the other day that when they had radiation, they used emu oil on their skin and they didn't burn. Interesting... The thing is, everyone's radiation is different. Part of mine is aimed at lymph nodes right under the skin, so more likely to burn. I have people telling me that if I slather lotion on of this sort or that sort then I won't burn. Ok, I'm willing to try it all, but I'm thinking if the dr. says I will burn, its probably going to happen. Emu oil? I don't know... And what is emu oil anyway? What part of the emu is "oil" coming from? Do I want to know? Cannon has drool and some really sweet snot that could be called "oil."

I definitely hit an energy wall about 7-8 depending on the day. Tonight I feel pretty good, but Tuesday I fell asleep sitting up on the couch about 7. My mom being here this week was great for Brent and I. I was exhausted from all of this zapping, and Brent just started working 10+ hour days, so he wasn't full of energy either.

I have hair on my head growing at a steady pace, there are even a few brown hairs. They are very few, but they're there. I have had more conversations about my hair in the last week then I think I've ever had in my life. Probably most of them are initiated by me, I would like to go back to blending into the crowd. I mainly would like my eyebrows and lashes back, as I've mentioned numerous times before. I lost an eyelash today, just fell out, no reason. I'm down to like 4 on that side. My left eyebrow literally has like 5-6 hairs. Total. Countable eyebrow hair that's what I have. The right side has a few more, I'm not going to count them because I can then believe that there are still too many to count. Seriously though, go find a mirror and look in the mirror at an eyebrow. Pick out five hairs that you like, and imagine what it would look like if you pulled all the rest. Again, I don't base a lot on appearance, and there are way better things to complain about than eyebrow hair, but its consuming my thoughts today. Then I look at Carolyn (Brent's cousin) on her blog and she has a picture of herself at 20 weeks pregnant. She's beautiful, wearing her own jeans, has eyebrows, I'm totally jealous. Not of the pregnant part, I hated being pregnant, but the rest of it. :) I'm shallow.

Sorry about the venting, it sounds like I had a bad day, but I really didn't, the complaining was amongst laughter. I'm thrilled to have the weekend with the cute little guys. They're just awesome and getting big amazingly fast. The weeks fly by with them around. Its surprising that week 3 is done.

Oh and DeAnn, still on puzzle #3. The rest of it is all one color so everyone else has quit. Its up to me, I'm not scared.

Cannon the WALKING one year old!

2009-02-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

I had to add that sweet picture of my brother in the Mo's People shirt. He didn't seem to want us to have a picture of him wearing it, so after much persuasion, this is what we got. He said he decided not to send the one of him with the speedo and the shirt tied to the side. That kid makes me laugh.
There was a woman singing in the waiting room at radiation last week. One woman, her guitar with a music stand, and the robed radiation patients. At first I thought it was nice that it was something different. However, as I sat there, I didn't know if I should look at her, keep doing the puzzle, sing along or just bust out dancing. At one point it was just me and her, everyone else was being radiated, so it was just me. It was really awkward. She then asked for requests. I told her anything was great, and that she had a lovely voice. Lovely voice, does that sound like something I would say? I'm an idiot. Anyway, Mary & I are back to puzzle #3, no singing, much better.
We had a party for Cannon Saturday because he turned one!! I guess I have to stop calling him baby Cannon. I can't believe he's one already. I went through the guilt of "I missed his whole year because I was sick" thing and am now to "he got to have more time with his grandparents." Objectively, I know I didn't miss a whole year, I know I shouldn't feel guilt, etc, but guilt is what I do.
Cannon also walked for the first time Saturday! He cruised across the living room floor to applause and cheers from Brent, Rick, Debbie, Amos, and I. It was awesome. He was laughing and loving it. The more excited we looked as he was coming at us, the more he would laugh. Brent got some pictures, so I'll get those on here soon. Lauren suggested I take a video and put it on here, so if I can get him to do it again with video, I'll give it a shot.
I'm pretty excited that I have this month, which is the shortest month, then just a week and a day and I'm done with this part of the process. My mom is here this week to help out, which is awesome considering Brent started his busy season, and I need to sleep once in a while. My Aunt Linda is going to start coming a couple of days a week next week to help out too. Having her around will help out massively, Brent and I can get a little bit of time to chill out and relax, or sleep. Plus, Max is excited that Aunt Linda is coming. She makes chicken nuggets with goldfish crackers that have been deemed "Linda's chicken nuggets." Its always fun to have Aunt Linda around, you never quite know what's going to happen.

No idea how many left...

2009-01-28T11:29:00.001-08:00

I changed the look of things. Mainly out of boredom, but also because I remembered that I had that option. I still have plenty of energy, which is fantastic. I still have a cold, which sucks. I think I'll basically have some sort of cold until June or so. Max is a heck of a dreamer, wakes up screaming, screams in his sleep, etc. Its hard to get a good night's sleep with him around. I used to feel bad that he was having these traumatic nightmares, but then I heard him yelling things like last night, "no mommy, I don't want the cheese!" Yeah, not so traumatic. Brent is a very vivid dreamer, so apparently its inherited. I'm thinking by the time Max actually sleeps through the night, the radiation will have caught up with me, and that will be my reason for being exhausted. With the help of a lot of coffee, I'll live. I don't have any burning yet either, even though I over-analyze any skin sensation that I have. Monday on my drive home, I started to wonder if something was a sunburn-like feeling, then I realized it was the wrong side of my chest. Gifted.

We're on to puzzle #2 in the waiting area. The people that actually do the zapping are Calli & Tim most days. These are two incredibly nice people, as all of my nurses/doctors have been. They ask how school was, how are the students, can we see pictures of your kids, laugh at my lame jokes, and answer all of my questions. Basically, they humor me in the nicest most sincere way possible.

I have this x-ray machine rotating around me for the radiation, so I have a variety of questions about how that works. Here's what I've learned so far: There's a window in the rotating thing where the radiation comes through. Inside the window there are 120 "teeth" for lack of a better term, that move together and apart to help focus where the radiation is going. They block the radiation from hitting more area than we need to. They start out looking kind of like an unzipped zipper, then some of them move closer together, or farther apart depending on which part of the plan we're doing. I have about 6 different times that I get radiated, each lasting about 10 seconds? So basically, machine starts above me, buzzes about 5 seconds, rotates to the right a bit while the teeth things are moving around to target a different area, zaps again for a few seconds, rotates further, etc. After I think the third one, Calli comes on the intercom with "Melissa, please move your head to the right," and then we do the last three.

Fridays there's some sort of probe, ok that sounds bad, let's come up with a different term... yeah, I've got nothing, its a probe that gets taped to my chest in different locations. I don't quite understand this thing, but when the machine zaps me, the probe registers some numbers. The numbers tell the "team" whether or not we have the right amount of radiation. Tuesdays we have x-ray day where they take x-rays to make sure they are positioning me correctly. Wednesdays are doctor days where I meet with the radiation doctor and she checks my skin, energy level, blood counts, etc. I had to have blood drawn last week, and I'm kind of curious what the results will be as far as white blood cell count and iron level. I have a tendency to be anemic. They're checking to make sure things are accurate constantly. Its great. Oh, and every other day I wear the mold of my chest. Its called a bolus. I had to ask how to spell it yesterday, because its pronounced bullis. I think I mentioned on here before that they made the mold of my chest. I have that on my chest while they're radiating to bring the rays closer to the skin, where the lymph nodes are. I also asked yesterday when are the milkshake days, and apparently they don't have that in place yet.

33 To Go!

2009-01-22T08:59:00.001-08:00

I can see this countdown will quickly get old. The whole radiation process is just like an x-ray. I change into the sweet robes, wait in the creepy waiting room where there is always a puzzle, they line me up on the table, zap me, and I go home. Its very short, and very easy. Wednesdays are doctor days, so they will take a bit longer. My favorite part is the puzzle because I love puzzles, but I'm annoyed with other people working on it as well because they just slow me down. One lady yesterday kept celebrating when she put 2 pieces together. "Those two fit!" I think she needs more in her life. I do like talking to the others in the waiting room, though. They're silent, but I tend to just start asking questions. They're probably annoyed with me, but oh well. One lady has had a rough trip with an oncologist she wasn't thrilled with, and a lot of miscommunication. She was told she wouldn't need radiation, then after she was done with chemotherapy and thought she was all done, they told her she would have to do it after all. That would be very frustrating to feel like you're at the end only to find out you have more stuff. The more I talk to her, the better I feel about the decisions I made as far as surgery, and the more confident I feel in my doctors. She's doing well now, but has definitely had a hard time.

Radiation #1 Today

2009-01-20T10:52:00.000-08:00

I start radiation today. I had the run through yesterday. They basically took x-rays and such to make sure everything was ready to go. They needed to make sure that calculations are correct and positioning and stuff. I didn't see the x-rays, but we're starting today, so we must be good to go. I lay on a table and there are lasers in the walls that align with my tattoos. They said that, and I thought 'yeah right, lasers in the walls,' but its true. One laser to my left, one to my right, and when I look between my feet, I see the third. So they kind of shimmy me around until I'm in the right spot. Its kind of comical.
They also had me meet with a social worker that works in the the cancer center building. She said they believe in treating "the whole person," so emotionally as well. She is a counselor who specializes in oncology and specifically young adults. We talked for a while, she just wanted to get to know me better and make sure I knew her services were available to me. I really liked her, and she basically hit on everything that bothers me, or I feel guilt over, or am curious about. She talked about the stresses of having little kids in the middle of all of this. She just looked at the ages of Max & Cannon and said "the two and a half year old throws fits because he's two, not because you have cancer." I started laughing because I had hardly spoken and she already knew that was a biggie. It was just nice to know that she had heard the exact same concerns from other people my age in my situation, and its normal. She was very reassuring. She also emphasized taking care of myself, and making sure I continue to do the things that make me happy. She said it may sound selfish, but its true. She used the airplane scenario. When you fly, they always tell you to put the oxygen mask over yourself before your children. I always think that's absurd, I'll totally put it on them first. But, if you do that, how are you going to get your children off the plane when you can't breathe? Take care of yourself first, or you're not being the parent you can be. Makes sense. She also said that if Brent wants to talk, she's available to him too. This is the FIRST time Brent has had people outside of our friends and family offer to help him. There should be more for spouses/partners/friends. We can call, or just tell the nurses while I'm in radiation that we'd like to talk, and she'll make time. Aaahhh...
Saturday I went to a doctor that was recommended to me by a family friend. I didn't really even know what he did, I was just told that he had heard about me, was a very warm person, and thought he could help. To make a long story short, he does acupuncture, as well as naturopathic medicine, basically Chinese medicine he said. I hated it. I don't know what it was about the whole situation that bothered me, but I was a little freaked when I left. He wasn't warm, he wasn't rude, but he wasn't warm. He didn't know who I was, he didn't really want to hear who I was, and I felt like he basically said "do this or your cancer will come back." No, it wasn't in those words, but that's just how I felt. I don't very often get freaked out, but I just had to get out of there all of a sudden. You could basically get me to do anything if you're going to guarantee me that cancer won't come back, so maybe I just felt taken advantage of, I don't know. Anyway, I won't be back to see him anytime soon. A family friend of ours says that your spirit will tell you what you need to do, and I guess my spirit was definitely against that guy. :)
So, radiation begins today, everyday at about 4pm, for seven weeks. I feel kind of excited to get going. Maybe the excitement is more because President Obama was sworn in, but I'm ready to go.
Oh, I need to tell you that Brent put together a book for me with pictures and the blog, and the comments. Its amazing. I cried, my dad started to read it, he cried, mom read a few, cried, Debbie looked at the first page and cried. :) Its very cool, and possibly the best thing anyone has done for me.

I have energy!!

2009-01-12T10:33:00.001-08:00

My eyelashes are growing!!! My left eye kept more of them than the right eye, so its been a little uneven which I'm sure no one but me even notices. The right eye though has some little tiny short lashes that are coming in, they're gray, but they're there!! Woo hoo!! I'm hoping the hair on my head is soon to follow. I have some individual hairs that probably never would have fallen out that were like an inch and a half long, but they would stick straight up in the air, so we trimmed them. Brent re-buzzed me so its all one length. We'll see how it comes back in. Gray & curly is my guess.
I don't think my energy level is all the way back to "normal," but its close. I get through my normal day pretty easily, including racing Max in the backyard or wrestling with both of them, but after the little dudes go to bed, I'm done. Although, before cancer I was pretty well done after they went to bed, so its hard to tell. The only doctor like thing I have this week is a trip to the dentist on Wednesday, and I'm pretty sure normal people do that, so I can handle that one. Although I did play the cancer card last time I was there to avoid getting a cavity filled, so I think this time there will be shots. Dang it!
We had a great weekend visiting my grandparents for a late Christmas, and then mom and I went shopping. I haven't been shopping in a year or so, (seriously, not exaggerating), so I loved it. Total adrenaline rush from spending money. Sad, materialistic, true. A friend of the family also made a very cool cake for me. It was a congrats for being done with chemo cake. :) It was awesome. It had three tiers, beautiful colors, and pictures from the blog on it. Way more cake than we could eat, but we tried. I was very impressed, very professional. I have a picture of it somewhere, if I remember when I get home I'll put it on here. Thanks Jeri!

Sooner than later?

2009-01-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

I wrote out a whole new post after meeting with the radiation people on Monday, but somehow the computer deleted it. I'm sure I did nothing wrong, it was all the computer.
The radiation people are some more smart people and I like them. There's the main doctor, the x-ray technician girl (don't know her title), physicist and jr. physicist. I didn't know I would get to meet the physicists or that they would even be involved in all of this, but that was exciting for me. I got to again wear a sweet hospital gown and robe. Regardless of how many doctors offices I have visited, all the gowns look the same. Flattering and stylish. Since they're radiating the top half, I only had to take my shirt off. Lucky me. After I had the robe on, I headed to waiting room #2. This was sort of creepy. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "Defending Your Life" but as soon as I looked at the waiting room, I flashed to that movie. It was one of those that was on all the time, so you watched it when there wasn't anything else good. Anyway, it basically had people (all in robes) that were waiting to hear if they were going to heaven, or going to be sent back to Earth to try again. I walked into this waiting room and there were like 5-6 people, all in matching robes, and totally silent. There were puzzles, magazines, juice, and silence. It was weird. Included in the 5-6 people was this tall guy. I'm assuming he's tall because his robe was way too short, and he must have needed radiation over his whole body, because he didn't have anything on but the gown. He was very comfortable in the gown, no modesty there. I made a point to remember the chair he was in and never sit there.
Once it was my turn I laid on a table for almost an hour while they lined me up, and built molds of my chest and such. I'm guessing these pieces won't be going in a museum, but it was interesting to watch it all. The mold consists of 2 layers of saran wrap, a plastic thing that forms to you after being in a water bath, vaseline, and some stuff that has the feel and density of skin. Apparently I wear this apparatus while they're zapping me and it brings the radiation closer to the skin. The lymph nodes is what they're mainly aiming for, and the ones they're aiming at are right under the skin. This also means I will have some intense burning of the skin. It will turn red and peel. If it gets to the point of oozing (doctors word, not mine), then maybe we'll change some things. Um, maybe we'll change some things? Maybe? I really don't think I'll like oozing. Just a hunch.
The doctor mainly emphasized fatigue in all of this. She said its not something to just push through, which is what I have a tendency to do. She said I've never been, nor will I ever be this tired again in my life. Cool. The good news was that we might get to start this whole process sooner than later. Because I've handled chemo pretty well, she felt like if my energy is fully back in a couple of weeks then we can get going. It would be very nice to get this stage going, over with sooner, etc. We'll see if that works out or not. If I'm good to go, then I go back for a dry run (or an undress-rehearsal as Debbie called it, teachers have such lame humor), and then the next day we would start. We'll see!

Life after chemo

2009-01-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, no Good Morning America. They never called, as Jerrad says, we're old news. :) Good thing, I would have watched myself and felt like a jack ass, so I'm good in my own little world.
It still seems a little weird that I don't have another chemo in a week or so. I am used to it I guess. What a sad thing to get used to. I have this new norm of feeling good for about a week, or less, and then feeling like crap again. Today I was thinking I'd go for a run, which usually is followed by a thought like "that seems pointless, you're just going to feel like crap again." But I get to feel good for a while. Weird. (I still didn't go for a run) :)
I have realized that this cancer business is never going to go away. Ok, the cancer cells have gone, but the word is always going to be here. I for some reason thought that once the chemo was done, that it would be easier, that I wouldn't think about it all the time, it wouldn't consume me. As soon as there is a lull, thoughts of recurrence and fear just sink in. I'm sure it won't always be that way, but I wonder how long until I can think about something else. I think Brent's tired of having cancer conversations. I'm tired of having cancer conversations. I'm tired of being defined as the girl that has cancer. I talked to a survivor the other day and she said it took her 2 years until she didn't think about it constantly. Really, two years!? Ugh. I will seek professional help if it hangs on that long.
I'm slowly learning more about tamoxifen. It can cause some more menopause like symptoms, fabulous. It can put me into menopause, very fabulous. It can cause some depression, it can cause weight gain, etc etc. These things seem minor when you compare them to having cancer and dying, but good God, one more side effect just sucks.
I feel good today and I'm excited to keep feeling better. I'm excited to have hair, and I haven't cried today. Look out world, things are looking up.

We've moved to TV!!

2008-12-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

My parents were interviewed by the Bend local news. I'll again attempt a link, but if it doesn't work, then copy and paste. It turned out good, I cried. For the fourth time in three days. I'm on a roll.
I feel really good today. As long as I take it easy, I'll feel good tomorrow too. Jerrad, Jenn, & Sam went to the aquarium with Drew, Tanner & Conner and took Max. I wanted to go, but I was afraid I'd end up overdoing it and feeling crummy tonight or tomorrow. I was bummed, but I'll live. Its the last time I'll have to think about that part of things!!
So I woke up this morning to a call from Good Morning America. That was trippy. They want to talk to my dad and I and possibly have our interviews on TV. Ha ha ha. I'm supposed to hear from the guy again today, so I'll let you know if any of it actually pans out. Lisa says my dad was meant for the stage, he says when the camera crew from Bend was in their house he was like "uh..." and mom talked and made sense. Hard to imagine my dad at a loss for words...
Ok, I don't know about the link, but I'm sure Randy & Nell or someone that is smarter than me can put the link to the story on one of the comments. (hint, hint, please)
Go to KTVZ.com and you'll see it on there.
I have the coolest parents. Total rock stars... I think its pretty cool that at the bottom of the article if you read it, rather than watch it, people have put comments and most of them are former students of my dad.

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE

2008-12-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

If I could do an exponent on the word done I would show how exponentially excited I am. :) How's that for math teacher-ese? I feel pretty good, a little out of it, but not bad. I don't have to ever have chemotherapy again... (probably and hopefully). The nurses in the chemo room are amazing. They work very hard to make you as comfortable as possible, and they did. They have DVDs you can watch, games you can play, popsicles, coffee they'll fresh brew, crackers, warm blankets, etc. And they're so nice. They remember my name, which is so nice to have knowing the number of people they deal with. They look you in the eye and ask how my kids are, and listen to stories I think are funny, they probably don't, but they laugh anyway. They were awesome. I will be happy to not see them for a while because it means I don't have to go there anymore, but I so appreciate their warmth.
A woman came in today while I was waiting to be done and she was crying. She went straight to a nurse (Robin) who dropped everything and gave her a hug. The woman was obviously really upset, and not being able to hear any of the conversation, I invented my own scenario for some reason. All of a sudden I was convinced that her husband had died, and I started crying. Good God, I didn't even know what was really going on, and I'm crying. I think it was just another reminder of the reality of cancer. I'm in my last chemo, I have my 76% (still wish that was higher), but its very real and very scary, and apparently this woman pushed me over the edge. Luckily, Brent walked in shortly after, and I recovered.
On an entertaining note, I don't know if you read Nell and Randy's comment on the last post (Big Time), but apparently our newspaper article is spreading. :) Pretty weird. Its somewhat embarrassing. The Bend news station actually went to my parents house and interviewed them. Who knew the fifteen minutes of fame would come from breast cancer!?
Christmas in Tillamook has been wonderful. I got a beautiful coat from Rick & Debbie that is bright and makes me feel colorful in spite of being so pale. We looked over old Christmas pictures and I started getting really excited to have hair again. For someone that never wanted to do their hair, that surprises me, but I'll be stoked. I used to tell people I had brown hair with gray highlights and judging by the fuzz on my head I think we're looking at gray with brown highlights. :) There are some brown suckers up there though!! I don't know how long they'll last, but I'm hoping they're fighters. Ha!
I am anxious to start radiation. I am more excited to have some time without doctors, but I'm ready to start and get it over with. I'm sure it'll get old and hectic, but I want to get going.
I also went to church yesterday here in Tillamook. I have never been a church person, but Pastor Peggy has been incredibly kind and I wanted to go see and listen to her. I got a big "hi Mo!" at the beginning. It was incredibly welcoming. Max got uncomfortable pretty early on, so he and Brent went to read books in the other room and Debbie and I listened. We both cried twice. She said a prayer for a number of people including myself, that was first cry, then she said some really nice things about teachers. Cry #2. For those of you that haven't known me my whole life, I don't cry. I used to make fun of Lisa for crying all the time. I now cry all the time. I like to think I'm developing much more compassion in all of this, and that's why I am more emotional, but maybe I'm just a wreck who can't get it under control. Grandma Madge used to tell me to just cry because it always makes you feel better. She was pretty smart, I'll go with that. I love you all (crap, that made me teary eyed again), thanks for all of your positive energy, I'll keep you posted on how the tattooing goes. Have a Happy New Year!! I may sleep through the ball dropping, but I am anxiously awaiting 2009.

Big Time

2008-12-26T13:32:00.000-08:00

The Klumphs and the Simes have hit the big time. We were a cover story on Christmas Day for the Albany Democrat Herald. Pretty much the biggest paper in the world. It rivals the New York Times. Ha Ha. I'll put a link at the bottom to the article so you can check it out if you're bored and need something online to look at. It starts off with calling dad "short and jolly." Hee hee.
There's another little part in the actual paper, but not online that mentions the pink t-shirts that my Aunt Linda made. My favorite "pink t-shirt picture" was from the Mohans who took the shirts to Yellowstone. There were doctored pictures with buffalo and moose wearing the tie-dye. It was awesome. Anyway, Aunt Linda, Mohans and my student body-guard Logan got a shout-out in the paper too.
Our Christmas #1 is done, we were going to Aunt Linda's house, but the snow in Portland area made that rather difficult, so my parents and Amos came here. We had a great time. Santa came and ate some cookies, we played some serious board games, I had a few tom & jerry drinks, it was very relaxing. Brent dominated the board game world, enduring my dad and Amos's creative accusations. Those of you that know them can imagine. :)
We are headed to Tillamook this evening for Christmas #2. Tillamook Christmas is always just as relaxing and fun as Sime Christmas, and always involves more food. Mainly seafood. Brent and I will leave Max & Cannon in Tillamook on the 29th and come back to Corvallis for the day for CHEMOTHERAPY #8 aka THE LAST ONE. What I have to remember is that it takes a couple days (or more) to recover so its not really "done" until a few days after, but wow I'm excited!!!
I also met with a physical therapist this week to discuss exercises and stretches I can do to help with some lymph node cording in my armpit (I'd explain this, but its gross) and to reduce likeliness of lymphedema. The stretches feel really good, so that was interesting. I go back sometime the first week of January to see if its helping and maybe for additional stuff. I also go to the radiation master on January 5th. They'll tattoo me to mark where to aim the radiation treatment. I always kind of wanted a tattoo... Not exactly what I had in mind. Everybody that I talk to in the medical field in Corvallis says the radiation doctor is really good, so I feel pretty good about her. I'm ready to be done with the chemotherapy stage and move onto the next one. I am very excited for my hair to grow back. I look the sickest right now that I have through this whole ordeal. Eyebrow hair and eyelashes are nearly non-existent. It sucks. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and its not a positive reaction. I just don't like looking sick. I don't feel sick (most of the time) and I don't need a pity look from strangers because I now look sick. Oh well, there are worse things. Have a great New Year!!

Ok - I tried to get the link to the article, but I can't seem to make it happen. So, go to democratherald.com, then there's a place to search on the left side. Search in the archives for Klumph and the article should show up. "A caring equation in SH." Witty! Either that or there will be seven links listed below because I actually did know how to do it, and kept posting the link over and over and over again. Totally possible.

Blah blah blah

2008-12-21T15:30:00.000-08:00

I didn't have a nap today. I'm a rebel. I have no aches and pains and I feel really good. My parents would both be telling me "don't push it" but I'm good. I can tell I am getting better when the thought of alcohol sounds good again. I am excited for Tom & Jerry's at Christmas time. If I was feeling crummy then the thought of them would make my stomach turn. It probably doesn't sound good that I judge my wellness on the thought of a seasonal drink, but oh well.
The more I near the end of chemotherapy, the more I think about the possibility of recurrence. Its a definite fear that I am hoping will enter my mind less and less as time goes on. That 76% just won't totally disappear from my memory...
I am very excited for Christmas with family. I keep trying to talk about Santa Clause with Max, but when I say things like "are you excited for Santa to come?" He says, "no." He's really good with no.

Snow Days

2008-12-19T07:58:00.001-08:00

I was going to go back to work today, but school was cancelled for snow. Bummer, no work for me. We went and played in the snow yesterday, Max actually loved it and didn't complain about being cold. Cannon was just sort of fascinated and stared. When we put him inside with Grandpa though, and he could see everyone outside, then he was mad and wanted back out.
I'm feeling good today. Very few aches and pains, very little loopiness. I'll still need a nap, but I feel pretty good. I got a blanket for my birthday from my parents that I curl up in for nap time. Its dark red, and has sleeves and a sort of hood thing. It takes me a while to warm up, so I require a lot of blankets, but anyway, I totally look like the hare krishna. I should be standing at an airport handing out red flowers with messages of some sort attached. Peace be with you, now give me a dollar. Maybe that will be my back-up career if this whole teaching thing doesn't work out.
Anyway, here are pics of Max & Cannon just because I like them. This is Max in the snow yesterday, and Cannon with my hat on.

Uno Mas!!

2008-12-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have one more!! I'm singing that line by the way. My stomach felt a little uneasy today, but I feel pretty good overall. Acupuncture helped a lot today, it was very relaxing and helped with my stomach and such. I also talked to the oncologist about drugs to take after radiation, (tamoxifen) and what it does, how it works. There were pictures and everything it was good stuff.
It is kind of nice to see a doctor regularly I am finding. Even things that are not related to cancer, there's a doctor there to ask and tell me its nothing, or check it out. I have had fluid in my ear on and off for a while, so she checked it out for me. Ever since I had that earwig crawl into my ear (sorry Lisa) I'm freaked out by anything in my ear. A littly hypersensitive you might say. :) I think I have good reason. Anyway, a nurse is going to clean it out for me tomorrow when I go back to get the immune booster shot thing. Apparently there's a nurse there that's really good at it. How you get really good at cleaning ears, I don't know. Seems like an odd thing to speacialize in, but hey, everyone has their random talents. I kick butt at minesweeper for instance. I am the greatest minesweeper player in the world. Its not going to make me a million dollars unfortunately, but sometimes someone is impressed by it.
Oh, so the drug, I take it for five years, starting after radiation. It can have "menopause like systems." Cool, I already have that from chemo therapy so more hot flashes and night sweats. I can live with that. My head actually just starting sweating, so here's another one! They're not bad and usually make me laugh, so its fine. Between three and six months after radiation I will go back for a bone scan and a CAT scan. If those are all clear, then I won't have one for another six months to a year. I will have blood work done I think about every three months because there's a way they can check for specific tumors with the blood. Again, I will probably get aspects of this wrong, but my understanding is that they can use my blood to check if the liver is operating normally, check if there is a tumor on my brain even. These scientists and doctors are significantly smarter than me. :) They're probably not quite as smart as my cousin Kellini, but they're close.
According to the oncologist if cancer is going to return, it doesn't usually do it until after five years. Who knows why.
Radiation definitely is hard on the body and there are a few people even who are adamantly against radiation. I talked to my acupuncturist about it today, and her feelings were its so focused and centralized that yes, its hard on that part of the body, but its much better now than it used to be. She also said that if its that or cancer, then she'd pick radiation. :) I like her!
There was some talk from my oncologist before one treatment of putting me into menopause because there is a post menopause drug that has been found to maybe work better than the pre-menopausal drug. This was when she thought I was Jewish. I know, sounds funny. There is a Jewish population of people that are at an incredibly high risk of having breast cancer and ovarian cancer, so they do more intense preventative measures. For some reason my surgeon was under the impression I was Jewish, so it took about three appointments to convince my oncologist that no, he's wrong, I don't have a Jewish heritage. Anyway, so I talked to her today about the putting me into menopause thing. To do this, they have an injection they can do that you have to closely monitor and makes your brain think you're in menopause, its not ideal. Another option is to have surgery where they put two little incisions in your skin and basically suck out your ovaries. This cancer thing is glamorous, glamorous, glamorous. I have plastic bags in my chest, I have no hair, I have like 2 eye lashes that I keep layering with mascara to emphasize (yeah that'll make them look normal), and scars all over the place. Oh, and a large lump below my collarbone that is a port. Yup, let's suck out the ovaries, I love it. Anyway, so I told her I really didn't want to do the suction thing or the injection thing, but I didn't want to be stupid about any of this either. She said she thought it would be fine if I didn't do it and stuck with the tamoxifen. Aaaahhh, good stuff. So, bottom line after all this rambling, I'm not Jewish, I'm not removing any more body parts or organs, I will take tamoxifen, and I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE!!!!

Its All About Me

2008-12-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

I was telling Brent the other day that I'm getting used to all this attention. I used to be very uncomfortable with the focus being on me, and I still am a little, but its getting easier!! My birthday was Wednesday, so I had my coworkers singing me happy birthday and balloons covering my classroom, in addition to the usual attention of people wondering how I'm doing and helping us with dinners. Yeah, I could get used to this whole "its all about me" thing. It could be rough when I go back to having to take care of myself. What's that about?
I have chemo #7 on Monday!! It should be the last time I have to miss school to do it, and therefore the last time my dad should have to come. Although he says he's "getting into teaching shape again." Since he was here almost the whole week last week it was easier as far as getting to know kids, etc. When I reminded my class I was going to be gone, they were all pumped that he's coming in. I think I'm meaner than he is. :)
I have had itchy hands on and off this week. Apparently that's a common side effect to chemotherapy. I'm sure they probably told me that at some point, but I have a hard time paying attention. Anyway, I called the nurses about it, and one said there was really not a whole lot I can do about it, and the other one said to check out chemocare.com. Some things work for some people, some of it doesn't work for anyone, but its worth a shot. It is kind of entertaining to me that there's a web site for help with side effects that sort of thing and I just now found out about it. I'm so not the researcher. The people that read this that have had breast cancer before probably read this and think, "wow, she just doesn't have a clue." A part of me feels guilty for not doing more research to learn about what's happening inside my own body, but I really just don't want to. Usually when I need to learn more about something I call Lisa. She knows everything and if she doesn't have an answer, she'll find it for me. Its totally lazy of me, and its horrible, I'm just not very smart. :) Anyway, have a great weekend, I think we're getting a Christmas tree for Cannon to tear down. Ha!

Christmas is coming!

2008-12-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

Feeling good again, excited to go to work tomorrow because it means things have a faux-normal feel to them. My Aunt Stephanie and my cousins Ryan & Amy came over to dinner tonight. The cancer card came into play in that I invited them over, offered to make food (meaning, I offered for Brent to make food) and Amy insisted she bring dinner with them. I'm not really sure what we're going to do when we have to fend for ourselves again. Its been a while since we've had to like ... make dinner. :)
Max and I had a great two year old battle today that totally left me frustrated and irate and feeling stupid for letting a two year old get me this upset. It was nice to talk to Amy and Aunt Stephanie and be reassured yet again that he's two, its not cancer related. I think Max threw his first fit on his first birthday. Cannon turns one at the end of January. Does this mean I'm going to be doing two of these battles a day? Holy crap, I'm screwed. Chemo is nothing comparaed to that little sucker. Gotta love him.
I've been humming Christmas music non-stop lately. I am definitely excited for the holidays. Lisa loves Christmas music, and probably for that reason alone I hated it, but its grown on me, and we're getting close to almost done with this treatment business. Two more. The 15th and the 29th. They even let me schedule the last one. We're on the upswing of the roller coaster.

Still chemo

2008-12-05T08:47:00.001-08:00

Ok, its not cake, its chemo. I felt all screwy yesterday, and last night had a huge headache and thought I was actually going to throw up. I didn't, but I didn't go back to school today either. I still feel a little loopy today. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I'm tired of sleeping all day, I'm tired of the whole deal. I'm glad there are only 2 left, I know I can make it and everything will be fine, but it won't be as easy as I was hoping. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, and next week, blah blah blah. Irritating!

Cake

2008-12-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

This chemo thing is cake. Ha ha! I'm starting to agree with Dr. Lee "is no problem." If I had had taxol first then adriamycin & cytoxan, it would have sucked. Having those miserable suckers first makes the taxol seem like a dream (accomplanied by my friend Emend). I didn't have an allergic reaction again today and I had fewer steroids. Those steroids are a little trippy. I kept wanting to tackle Brent...
I haven't had any of the tingling sensation in my hands and feet either, which is marvelous. About 5% of people experience that to a pretty serious degree to where they can't touch something without it causing pain. Good stuff. I have some additional tightening in my left arm pit which has me a little concerned. Dr. Lee set up an appointment with a physical therapist so she can give me some exercises to do everyday to help with tightening, and to help avoid lymphadema (pretty sure that's spelled wrong). She says this is pretty normal but can worsen during radiation. She also said that it seems to be ok, but it will make me feel better to go meet with her. I don't go until the 23rd.
I also got to schedule the last one today!!!!!! I have the next one December 15th, Happy Birthday Grandpa Leon, and the last one is December 29th, just in time for Rick's birthday.
We had a great Thanksgiving in SunRiver. I ate like I was a teenager, and when they weighed me today I kicked some scale butt. :) I totally would have won a weight gain contest if there had been one. We had so much food, and all of it tasted good, nothing had a metal taste, it was amazing. I guess I should start using that treadmill from the grandparents that's in the garage... Max & Cannon had a great time with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandma, and great aunts, and Max was crying when we left, because he wanted to stay. Cannon got an eighth tooth, so he was a little whiny, but Rick & Debbie let him sleep in their room so we could sleep. It was heavenly. Conner is my two year old nephew, who is hilarious. It was good for me to see him throw the occasional fit though so I could be reassured that Max isn't a fit thrower because I'm sick or I have no hair, he's just 2. I have a little less guilt.
I go in for a Neulasta shot tomorrow for the immune system. I'm guessing some aches and pains will set in tomorrow evening. Whatever, I only have two left you're not bringing me down now man!!
Here's a picture of my favorite big kid and I. I tell Max I have a favorite baby, a favorite two year old, and a favorite big kid. The family pictures this year have everyone in hats. Great family support.

Flowers

2008-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

So there was a canned food drive at school to provide needy families with food for Thanksgiving. If the students brought in a certain number of pounds, staff members offered themselves up for a variety of activities. There were men with painted fingernails, women with pink hair, men in dresses, some that actually ate worms, and two of us with painted heads. I chose an art student with good taste to paint my head, and as you can see she did a beautiful job! I got off easy, there's no way I'm eating a worm. I saw them dust the dirt off of them before they ate them. Wow.
I don't have any aches and pains anymore. I am a little tired at the end of the day, but not unbearable. I have energy to last me to about 8. Then I hit a wall. I like the quiet time either with Brent, or by myself if he's gone. I don't go to bed at this point, but I don't do anything productive. I used to hit a wall about 4:30, so I'm feeling down right peppy. ha ha

I'm 80

2008-11-16T20:23:00.000-08:00

I feel like an 80 year old woman. According to Brent, I walk like one too. Taxol can create some aches and pains. Yeah, got 'em. My hips, knees, and feet are killing me. The hot tub helped, and I'm sure the other drugs that I'll take in the next hour will help too. :) I don't have any nausea, and I only felt loopy today briefly. This taxol stuff is way better than that other cocktail. Plus the Beavers beat Cal, so life is good.
I'm starting to get excited to have hair on my head again. I realize its quite a ways out, but I'm looking forward to it. I used to have a fear of getting a bad hair cut. I think I've overcome that one... :) Doesn't get much worse than patchy-bald. Well, ok, I have seen worse haircuts, but you know what I mean.
I am so absolutely excited that this whole poisoning thing has gotten better. I can totally do three more of these suckers. I'm almost done. I'm actually going to get to the end of this part of it. The last one I think will be December 30th. No poisonings in 2009. Sounds good. I hope my rickety 80 year old legs can dance a jig.

Adrenaline Rush

2008-11-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

I again, love Emend. We got one more sample for free, and a "voucher" for a buy one get one free basically. Its pretty amusing to me to have a coupon for anti-nausea drugs, but I'll take it!! :) I feel great today. I don't have any muscle soreness, though it could still definitely show up. I didn't have an allergic reaction while the taxol was going in, so that was good. I really like breathing, so it was nice to not have to hinder that. That had me a little nervous, obviously. I'm guessing Sunday I'll start feeling a little loopy when I don't have the Emend to take anymore, but if it goes the same as last time, there won't be any nausea either. Whee! I'm on a huge adrenaline rush from being OVER HALFWAY DONE. Aaahhh. Three left sounds so much better than only three done. The nurses and others that I've talked to have said after the first taxol it got easier. Plus you're on the downhill slope, so that rocks. My white blood cell count was huge, so no shot today either. One less needle, love it! Although the nice nurse that gives it to me reminds me of Brent's Grandma Bonnie, so I'll miss seeing her. :)
I don't have anymore until December. That sounds soooo good. Its finally starting to feel like there's an end to this poisoning thing after all. The light at the end of the tunnell is finally visible. After the second one, it was just dread of "I don't want to do this anymore, its going to take forever to get done" and now I know for sure I can do it, and its not the end of the world. Adrenaline is cruising through me man!
My friend from Harper came to visit yesterday and today which was just so nice to see her. I'm sure none of you know where Harper is, because its a town with a population of like 35. Literally. It took her like 8 hours to get here, and they're headed to a Beaver game tomorrow, but I never get to see her, and her kids are awesome, and it was good for my soul. I hope everyone has a great weekend, and I hope I do too!

Taxol

2008-11-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is taxol #1! Whee! I get to take some steroids tonight so that'll be a good time. I also have to sit there forever tomorrow for the whole process. I have four hours to sit there. I'm taking some grading to do, so I guess if I start to feel sick the grades won't be very good. Ha. After tomorrow though, there are no more treatments in November. The next one is December 1st. I'm really excited about Thanksgiving. I won't have had treatment for two weeks, so I should feel great, I get to eat my guts out, and its the end of a trimester at school so there won't be any school stuff hanging over my head. Ahhhh. So in that respect, I'm excited to get tomorrow over with and be done for a while. Maybe I'll be excited enough that I'll have that adrenaline rush Friday and feel no pain. Right...

The Radiator

2008-11-07T08:48:00.001-08:00

Emend was wonderful, no nausea at all! However, it took longer to recover over all. I didn't feel "normal" until probably Wednesday evening or so. I still had the medicine head loopy thing for a few days. I had a flu shot Friday and the immune booster shot Saturday, and Sunday I woke up aching all over. I still didn't feel nauseous, and no headaches, or depression stuff, but holy cow everything hurt. Even my armpits ached and I can't really even feel one of them. Monday I felt less achy, still loopy, and a little sick.
Tuesday I went to meet with the radiation doctor. This is doctor number #5 in my entourage I think. Another med student as well. We went from med student Justin to med student Michael. We got to watch a video in the radiation office. It was very similar to the "how to bag groceries" video I had to watch at Thriftway a long time ago. It showed the machines, a variety of friendly doctors and explained the procedure with some sweet music in the background. Basically, the radiation is targeted at the tumor area, and the lymph node area and doesn't take more than like 15 minutes once you get there. They want to make sure that if the cancer spread to other levels of lymph nodes, then they will kill it with either chemo or radiation. Two weeks after chemo is done, I go back to radiation folk and they figure out where to aim lasers or rays or whatever they are. They position me, and maybe tattoo where they'll aim. Then two weeks after that, the radiation starts. Its everyday except weekends and holidays for 5 - 6 weeks. A lot of driving to Corvallis. She said the main side effects I will probably experience will be fatigue, (gee, that'll be new), and some skin burning, like a sun burn. She said that because the lymph nodes are close to the skin, there will be burning. If my skin doesn't turn red, then she's not doing her job. Well, ok. I liked her, and med student Michael is from Missoula, so of course he's a grizz fanatic like all Missoulians, so we bonded over that one. Bonding and then having to take your shirt off is new, but I'm getting used to that whole public nudity thing.
My next chemo is next Thursday, the 13th. Before the drug goes in, they always give me saline to flush the port or something. This causes a smell and a taste that I can't get out of my system lately. Its weird that the saline causes this, not the drug, but of course its associated with the whole process, so its somewhat nauseating. I'm not thrilled about having to sit there for four hours while they do the drug thing, and I will supposedly be achy again after. Sweet. I will be very excited when this one is over, because the next one isn't scheduled until December 1st, after Thanksgiving. My dad will have to teach like three or four days in a row, because its on a Monday. I think he may need some heroine when he's done. He says this is a great reassurance that yes he did want to retire.

Emend

2008-11-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Emend is my friend. I got a sample of a drug yesterday that if I had had to pay for it would have been $300 for 3 pills. Its called Emend. I love it. I took one at the beginning of chemo, another today and I take another one tomorrow. I went trick or treating yesterday, went to bed early. I haven't gotten sick, and I've functioned like a normal human being today. Yay! I am still tired of course, and my stomach is still not quite sure what to do with things, but I've eaten and its all stayed down, and I feel really good. I love drugs! I guess the puking and not eating for three days diet is out now. :) I took one of the other anti-nausea things yesterday just in case, but I haven't taken them today and its still working... I still have my fingers crossed. I also got to have a flu shot yesterday. While they're injecting poison into me, they gave me a flu shot in my arm. Why not, give me more crap all at once, lay it on me, I love needles.
I am also DONE with the first round of stuff. The Adriamycin is the nastiest of the chemo drugs I've been told, so some of this good feeling could be because of the adrenaline rush I feel at being done with that. The oncologist says the next drug, taxol, is usually easier on people than the first round. I don't know if I believe this, because this is the same woman who says chemo is "no problem." I'm hopeful though! I do have to take some steroids in case of possible allergic reaction to this one. I could get a rash or possibly have trouble breathing. Cool, I kind of like breathing, so I'm a little concerned about that one. I figure since I have no hair, and not much femininity left, I should take steroids to finish me off anyway. I feel like I should be covered in tattoos. Really tough ones like skulls and stuff.
Anyway, I went to get my immune booster shot today. The wonderful woman was there again. I almost started crying I was so happy to see her. I told her she gave me the same shot two weeks ago, and she said "well, I hope I did a good job!" I said "oh my gosh, you were wonderful!!" I was probably over-enthusiastic, so she might be afraid of me.
Trick or treating was awesome. Max whispered a couple of trick or treats and a few thank yous. He got to climb into a fire truck at the fire station, so he was loving that. Cannon did some yelling, and we had to rotate carrying him because he's just big. :) I loved it.
So, I can't express to you how much better I feel today and yesterday. After the other treatments, I have had 2 days of horrible and depressed, and just well, shitty. I don't have that!! I'm human!! Awesome.

Early Halloween

2008-10-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

We had an early Halloween trial run. Debbie made Max's Halloween costume, and when he saw it, he actually wanted to put it on, and wore it for a few hours. And, he let us take his picture. Well, he let Smama Debbie take his picture. He posed and everything. For those of you that don't know Max, these things don't just happen. We went ahead and dressed up Cannon as well in case on Friday Max refuses to wear the hat, or requires a sucker bribe to get his picture taken. More chemo Friday as well. I'm hoping to not get sick until after trick or treating, but if it doesn't work out, then at least I have a picture. :)
We were also visited this weekend by Grandma Milly and Uncle Dennis who loaded us with food from the family farm. It was great to see them, and Max was especially impressed when he heard that Dennis and Milly have tractors and cows. Sold, he likes them.
I haven't written anything in a while because I feel like its all the same. Good week, bad week, waiting for it to be over. I love feeling good, I dread going back. I have shaved my head. Razor shaved it. I did it a while ago, but apparently forgot to mention it. I don't mind having no hair. I like wearing hats, and I hear "you have a good shaped head" a lot. That's a compliment I never thought I'd be getting. I get cold a lot, but that's not a new thing. If I don't have a hat on, I feel like there's a constant breeze on my scalp. Some of it seems to have started growing back, but only in patches. I could have a really sweet mullet. Ok, maybe not a mullet, but a weird patchy thing going on anyway. Classy. Oddly enough my leg hair has not stopped growing. I'm incredibly annoyed by this one. I don't feel like I should have to shave my legs at this point. Hair falls out on my head, and is growing on my legs. Shouldn't this be something most men are concerned about like after 50 or something? Not a 30 year old (almost 31! holy crap!) female. If it starts growing in my ears, or in my nostrils at an alarming rate, then I don't know what I'll do.
After Friday I should be halfway done. This means cocktail #1 is done. I've had adriamycin and cytoxan (those are close, probably not exactly right), for the last 3 treatments, and the last one Friday. The next four doses are T something. I have it written down, I don't remember what it is. When I actually start getting it, then I'll probably remember what it is. Only one drug, I have hopes that it'll be easier, but everyone that I talk to tells me that it all was the same as far as how their body handled it. Fun. I'm stoked.
I meet with the radiation doctor on Tuesday morning. I'm starting to get more curious about what that's all about. I am mainly excited for the four weeks I have in between chemo and radiation. I'll bet I feel like a million bucks! :)
I see Christmas decorations everywhere. Its early for all of that stuff, but it makes me think Christmas is right around the corner and chemo will be close to done by then... Bring on the Christmas music Lisa!
Brent got a card in the mail that says "When people care for you they can straighten out your soul." I love that. Thanks.

Five Left

2008-10-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

Chemo number three is done. It seems like I should be much farther along in all of this than I am. There are still five more of those suckers to go. Crap! They give me an anti-nausea before chemo through my port that is supposed to be good for five days. Right... like my little puker self will be good for that long. Last time it worked for about 12 hours, this time it worked for about 3. I should have taken some of my pills for nausea right after leaving the clinic, then I may have been ok, but I didn't take them until I was already nauseous and by then its too late. Its a fun little guessing game of when are you going to puke and when are you not. I was sick on the way home, and got to pull over once. That was a definite low point. Drugs started kicking in last night, so I slept good. Today I feel ok. I'm a little queasy, but haven't been sick, and I've been able to eat. I'll probably have to go get ice cream later just because that makes everything better. :) I'm tired today, but part of that is from the nausea stuff too. I don't feel as loopy and light headed this time. I don't know if its because I had three weeks in between or not, but its better. My next dose is scheduled for Halloween. I really want to be able to take Max the cowboy and Cannon the monster trick or treating, but we'll see how it goes.
I went in for a immune booster shot thing today. I had one after the first chemo, and the actual shot hurt like hell. I'm fairly certain the nurse got a running start from the other side of the room, jammed it in, and left laughing. The one today was heavenly. It was an older lady and she was much gentler, not painful at all. It basically helps my white blood cell count so it'll be in the right range for the next one.
A friend of mine had someone come in to clean our house Thursday. I was a little apprehensive to let others see how much dirt is really here, but wow it was amazing to come home to. Of course, now Brent & my dad are tearing apart the entryway to re-tile so there's dust everywhere. The clean was fun while it lasted. :) Anyway, the little chunk is crying, have a good weekend!!

Nothing New

2008-10-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have nothing interesting to say, and its probably questionable whether I ever have anything interesting to say, but there's nothing new in my little cancer chemo world. Breast cancer awareness month means everywhere I look there is pink stuff. Its amazing the things they make that are pink. Its great that proceeds go towards research, but holy cow. M&Ms, pink cream cheese, chip clips, etc. One of the chemo nurses was telling me that she went out with some friends and there were pink napkins at the bar. Naturally, working where she does, she assumes they are for breast cancer awareness month. They weren't, they were leftover from some wedding. So all night her friends were making fun of her as if everything pink was for that reason. "Look, there's a pink invoice, it must be for breast cancer awareness!"
My cold is almost totally gone. I feel really good. Now that I'm in week three post chemo, I'm realizing that even when I thought I was feeling good, it wasn't as good as normal. I have so much energy when I'm not being poisoned. I know, shocking. :)Its fun to feel up to running with Max in the backyard, and rolling around on the ground with both little dudes. When I started this whole ordeal I remember someone trying to reassure me and saying "a year from now, you'll be done, and totally fine." All I could think was "a year!!?? Are you serious, a whole year!?" Yup, about a year. You get to read about every detail of my life for a whole year. Lucky you!

Chemo Delayed

2008-10-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

I showed up, they tested my blood, white blood cell count was good, but I have the makings of a sinus infection. I felt horrible while I was there, the entire right side of my face was pounding, nose running, eye watering, flattering and beautiful. :) Anyway, because of this, the oncologist was concerned that they'd give me the chemo and I'd go home feeling even worse. So, its delayed to next Friday. My first reaction was to cry. I'm really getting tired of crying in public, I never used to be a crier. Anyway, I came home, took over the counter drugs, slept and am feeling much more rational now. Amazing how much of a difference that whole sleep factor makes. I didn't want to have to move back my end date of December 19th, but what are you going to do? If I look at the every other week from next Friday, then that sucks for Thanksgiving and Christmas because I would have treatment the day after both. However, the oncologist said I can move back another one when Thanksgiving gets here if that's important to me. It is, so that was releiving.
I don't know what the date is that I'll be done now, and I'm trying to not figure it out. I need to learn that me trying to plan what's going to happen in my future as far as my health isn't going to work out. I can't get stuck on dates, I'll be disappointed every time.
I'm frustrated, but for the most part, I'm excited to have another week of feeling good. Once this sinus business goes away, I can have another week to feel human.

Lint Roller

2008-10-08T15:14:00.001-07:00

Max was intrigued by the bald head.
"Mommmy's hair all gone?"
"yeah, kinda funny, huh?"
"Max touch it... kinda pokey... kinda ouchy..."
I cried. Not a sad cry, just a nice moment.

I'm almost caught up on stuff, so it must be time for more poisonings. Friday! yay! After this one I'll be down to one hand as Jenn says. I'm really ready to be done with all of it, but that seems to be a ways off. Oh well.
My head itches. My coworkers and Brent are telling me I need to "bic it." I have this extreme fear of cutting my head open. I read one woman venting somewhere about wanting to use a lint roller on her head. We tried it. It was funny, and it got a lot of hair, but sort of an unending deal. We could have rolled until either hair was gone, or the lint roller was done, but it seemed tedious. I'm really glad I buzzed it at least. I wouldn't want this much long hair falling all over the place. I'm kind of grossed out by the little 1/2 inch hairs as it is.
Sam & Debbie are coming to help take care of the little guys this weekend. My parents are coming Sunday night so my dad will work Monday & either half of Tuesday or all day. Students are getting used to Mr. Sime. One kid asked if the picture in my room of Albert Einstein was my dad. Really!? I told him my dad would be incredibly flattered, but no. I then told him to google Albert Einstein and wrote it down for him so he'd spell it right. :) Other kids in class laughed, but I'm pretty sure they didn't know either. Another student in spanish class saw a picture of Jerry Garcia and asked if that was Mrs. Klumph's sub. Again, flattering, but no. :)

Getting smarter?

2008-10-04T07:52:00.001-07:00

I tell people this blog thing is pretty therapeutic. I don't know if its the venting part of things, or the fact that I can put anything on here and I have this huge support group of people telling me its perfect. Hmmm... I could get used to this. I told Brent that my inner princess was coming out. He didn't seem to think it had far to go...
I have felt great again this weekend. It seems to be about a week (maybe slightly less) that I feel crummy. So I guess I get a week on and a week off. Six more weeks of feeling crummy (is that like the groundhog?) doesn't sound appealing, but what're you going to do? Brent pointed out that its not like we have a choice in the matter. Its just how it has to be. So, ok. Sitting and whining about it hasn't gotten me far in the past, so just deal with it and accept it and focus on the good weeks.
A coworker asked me what I learned this week. (Totally teacher-y) I like this because it gives me something else to think about, but also it reminds me of Grandma Madge. She took care of Amos & I for a week one time, and everyday was "what did you learn today?" Annoying at the time, but cool in retrospect, and totally Grandma. I'm obviously not one to research any of the cancer stuff that most people do, or the drugs they inject in me. However, I learned the first round to stop doing too much when I'm not ready. Easier said than done for me. This time I think I better figured out the nausea (still got sick, but improving), and like I said last time, focus on tomorrow, because it will be better. The Saturday after "treatment" is the worst day, so especially that day. Open the blinds, force myself to pretend I'm actually among the living, and wait for Sunday. :)
Right now, I feel great, and I'm excited to have this week to feel good. I go into over-achiever mode this week to try to catch up from last week. Nightime book reading with little dudes goes from five or ten minutes to thirty, grading actually gets done, and Brent doesn't have to clean everything. I know, don't overdo it, relax, enjoy your kids, I know, I will, I promise!

GI Jane?

2008-09-30T20:26:00.003-07:00

I could kick Demi Moore's butt dude! :) After being fairly certain I couldn't shave it off, I did it anyway. Well, I've been told its not shaved, just a buzz cut, I don't envision myself putting an actual razor to my head. I had to get it over with, and the wisps (handfuls) of hair that were floating behind me in the wind had to go. Max could have cared less. I of course over-worried that one. Cannon, ditto. I kind of like it. Except for the gray. I knew it would be there, but that Cannon side of the family is definitely there. I like them, but man do they have the gray-white hair! Oh well, its just hair. It feels weird in the shower. When the water hits my head instead of hair it feels different, and I automatically reach to wring it out when the water's off. Its kind of liberating though, a definite adrenaline rush. Maybe I will have to burn those bras...
I went to school for 1/2 a day today. I felt tons better today than yesterday, but not fantastic. Its so frustrating to have treatment, which the during part isn't a big deal, but the after takes so long to feel normal again. To have a week (or more) to feel like myself again is annoying. I know, heal, take care of yourself, rest, blah blah blah, I am, but I don't want to! :) I'm not thrilled at all about still having six of those suckers to go. Six more weeks of feeling crappy. Sweet. I did get sick today, but its the first time since Friday, so the anti-nausea I think is working. It seems to be. After I got sick I felt great. I came home and Max & I took a two hour nap, and I felt like a rockstar when I woke up. Well, a bald graying rockstar. I have another 1/2 day tomorrow, sort of, we'll see how it goes.
Brent's been awesome as usual. Well, he felt a little sick yesterday, but good today. He gets to go fishing tomorrow, which he's been so excited about that he started getting ready last Friday. He also makes sure I feel pretty in the middle of my hair falling to the ground. He's a good one.
Everyday I remind myself that tomorrow I'll feel better. Its kept me going so far.

Bust out the hats

2008-09-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

The hair's coming out! Its a little disgusting, and definitely disturbing, but there's only a 5% chance it stays in. After the 76% thing, I am always aiming for the majority, so let it fall. I am trying to get the courage to shave it, but its not here yet. What a stupid thing to hang onto, strands of hair that may or not be attached anymore. Maybe tomorrow I'll do it. I did buy a sucker for Max so we can call it a party and bribe him with candy in case he freaks out. I'm at home today. I took the little dudes to daycare, whihch I feel bad about considering I'm home, but I have to keep reminding myself to take it easy so I can get better. I feel like there are all these things I should be doing. I used to be able to lay on a couch all day long in college doing nothing, completely guilt free, apparently those days are gone. I do feel pretty good today. I feel a little loopy, and like I need to walk slow, and do everything slowly, but I'm not nauseous. The headache that I seem to get from drugs or chemo is gone for now. My dad's working today, and I still have a 1/2 day planned for tomorrow. We'll see after that.
My school last Thursday dressed in pink for me. Not to be outdone by Tillamook, kids had on pink or at least a pink ribbon, as did staff members. It was hard to find a kid that didn't have pink on somewhere, even the skippers. I also had balloons, flowers, cards, a bear, and a giant pink heart made by the spanish class. Very flattering. I had one girl that came up to tell me that she had a pink tank top on, but it was cold, so you couldn't see it, but she wanted to make sure I knew that she cared about me. Aw, how cute, maybe she's not really flunking... ha ha
Having Rick & Debbie here was great. Max & Cannon of course loved it, Max got the infamous doughnut from the store, as he usually does when a grandparent takes him, and Cannon got to be held as much as he wanted. Brent & Rick did some serious weeding, Debbie & Brent did some serious cleaning, and I did some serious sleeping. How worthless am I? So, when I get up the courage to be the bald girl, I'll post a picture, talk to you soon.

Round Two DONE

2008-09-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

The only way to get Max to take a picture at times is to bribe with a sucker. I need to get his haircut, and it may require the same bribe.
So, I made it through round 2. The during isn't bad at all, its just a matter of how I feel after. Felt ok yesterday, the acupuncture was very cool, last night I got sick a couple of times, but am feeling better today. I'm not ready to go run a marathon, or watch chemicals on tv, but I'm up and not nauseous. Rick & Debbie are here to help out and they came armed with food and cookies. They also brought the pink capes for Max & Cannon.
I can't believe you Harmon chicks are giving me crap about writing thank yous! We have received tons of letters and cards and gifts telling me how much you all like me, and how amazing you think I am (which I love, I keep them all and reread them). I thought the least I could do was to send a card not just to thank you, but to stay in touch, tell you the same. And I get crap for it! I'm tempted to send Diane about 20 thank yous just to be irritating. :)
So, I'm hanging out, fairly immobile, but feeling ok. Waiting for it to pass and feel normal again! My dad is working for me Monday, I might try a 1/2 day Tuesday, just depends on how things are going.

I'm good

2008-09-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've been told if I don't post things regularly, people start to worry about me. My coworkers see me everyday, so I don't think they're concerned, but for the rest of you, I'M ALIVE! :) Thanks for worrying about me. I've felt great, had energy, doesn't feel like I'm poisoned at all. I have a whole new standard, feel poisoned vs. don't feel poisoned. Good stuff. Back to plastic surgeon this afternoon. I'm thinking this is the last time, I don't need "dollies" as Dr. Havard calls them.
Tomorrow is acupuncture, so I'm only working 1/2 of a day, and then Friday is poisoning #2. Rock on. After Friday, I will be halfway done with cocktail #1. If I break it into parts, it seems less daunting. I feel ready to go for chemo. I'm sure there will be some nerves involved, and probably some puking, because regardless of drugs, I am a puker it seems. I'm trying not to expect that, because that whole mind control thing I'm sure if I expect it it will happen. We'll see!! Maybe I should just set a new standard for this too, try not to vomit before chemo even goes in. I'm so cool. I think I told you I got sick before they even put in the chemo last time.
I do meet with Dr. Lee tomorrow (oncologist) which will be good. I have some questions about the drug I get to take after all of this stuff. Apparently some people don't have the gene in their body to break down the drug to let it do what it needs to do. There has been a blood test developed in the last six months to determine if I have the gene to make it work or not. Another survivor woman told me that, so I apparently need to start doing more research... I'm not a researcher. It seems that they've taken enough of my blood they should be able to test for anything and everything, but I'm sure they'll take more.
My coworkers (who are now blog readers, hi!!) have been making dinners for us, which has helped IMMENSELY. Rick & Debbie are coming to visit this weekend and are bringing about 12 frozen dinners from Tillamook folk. We are well taken care of!!
Brent has some scheduled days to get out of the house in the near future. He is in serious need of time away, time without thinking about drugs, smelly kids, etc. He handles it all amazingly well, but I worry about him. Max & Cannon are awesome. I didn't think Max would ever be a wrestler since he doesn't like people touching him, but he had some impressive moves this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Thorpe, you wouldn't want him, he'd tell you "no" all day long. Other than those daily fits, he's doing very well. He even shows signs of caring about Cannon from time to time. Cannon is hilarious and always good for a smile. When he gets excited he throws his arms out to the sides, does an air hump (sorry, but its true), and yells "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" ha ha ha, that kid's funny.

Normal Family Day

2008-09-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

Life is normal... ish. Thursday I talked to my principal about possibly working half days and told her I wasn't seeing my kids, etc. She completely understood, she's awesome, and we called a sub to come talk to me about the possibility of him filling in for a while. My dad doesn't want to work everyday, I wouldn't want him to, I hope I don't have to when I retire. :) Anyway, Thursday at work I took my nap and felt great all day. I was awake and not sick that night, played with the little dudes, everything was rosy. Friday, same thing, rosy. Today is Saturday, I haven't taken any anti-nausea since last night and I've felt good all day. Hmmmm, maybe I will have normal-ish days. So I did talk to the sub about working for me half days maybe part of the week after chemo, more if I needed it, less if I didn't. Here's what the most recent thoughts are. And I'm sure after chemo and the whole "everyone handles it differently" thing this will again change, but I like to have plans for some reason. So, my dad will work Fridays for sure (maybe 1/2 of Thursday too for acupuncture) and the following Monday. We'll see how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling functionable, then I'm going to have other sub work 1/2 day Tuesday, maybe Wednesday as well, and see what's happening in the puke world. Its probably going to be hardest on my students, they'll have me sometimes, dad sometimes, and teacher #3 sometimes. They'll live. My after lunch class is the regular skippers anyway. Most days they don't know if they're in the right class at all, so it probably won't phase them. The last period class is Freshman. They're too hopped up on caffeine and hormones by that time that the teacher standing there yelling at them is really immaterial. So, I'll get to see my kids a normal amount, maybe even more, and sort of teach.
So, chemo #2 is Friday. Anytime I'm feeling nauseous from this stuff, the word "chemical" makes my stomach turn. I watched "How It's Made" the other night and they were making some plastic-y thing with all sorts of chemicals, and I couldn't handle it. I went to bed. I could, however, finish an entire peanut butter mildshake with ease. I promised half to dad, he didn't get half. There's still a lot of normal in my life.
This is the first weekend in a while that we have been able to hang out as a family, just the four of us. It was over a month ago that I had surgery, and we've had people coming to visit and help out, and make food, etc. I have absolutely loved having everyone here and been totally spoiled by all the food and the helping with diapers, but I thought about it today and we haven't been together on a weekend with nothing to do since like early August, maybe even before that. We went to Corvallis today, had lunch and played in the fountain by the river. People at the bakery where we had lunch were making faces and smiling at my adorable children, and I got to feel like a normal happy family. Aw, so nice. Cannon of course had food all over himself and was thrilled. He waved his arms and yelled what I'm sure he means as hello. Max of course didn't say anything to anyone other than, "no." Tomorrow we have more big plans of nothing. Probably a trip to the playground, and some other seemingly boring things. We certainly have a new appreciation for the normal day, I couldn't be more excited to have them.
I also got a call today from my "project H.E.R." person. I'm supposed to know what that stands for I'm sure, but I don't. Its the person that's sort of assigned to me, to check in with me who has been through it all before. Other places its called Reach to Recovery Volunteer. Anyway, she's been talking to someone else as well. Don't worry, I'm not the jealous type. This other woman is about to go through the same surgery I went through, with at least one of the same doctors. She had some questions and wanted to know if I'd be willing to talk to her. I was excited! She was on her way out the door, but I'll talk to her tomorrow. Look at me, being the boob expert, saving the world. I love it!

I'm an idiot

2008-09-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

So on the drug bottles that they give me, there are bright yellow warning labels. I just read them yesterday. On one of them it says "may cause headache." I've had a headache for like three days. When I get headaches, I get sick, like nauseous sick. I'm an idiot. Stopped taking that one, no headache today. Not nauseous now, we'll see how I feel when I get home. This isn't rocket science Mo, figure it out, its bright yellow!
Ovary is clear. There's some fibroid that has calcified. Dr. Lee says this is "no problem." Dr. Lee says chemo is "no problem." Dr. Lee's no problem and my no problem are very different things. Bottom line, its not cancer, I don't care what it is. So, after not making it through Monday, I took Tuesday off and sent Mr. Sime back in. Wednesday I tried again, and made it through the day (with a nap in the middle), but was exhausted by the time I got home. Brent went to pick up anti-nausea #3, I puked once, took it, and have felt good since. I did make it through the school day, which is good, but I felt crappy and wasn't able to see Max & Cannon much. That's not ok with me. I'm at school today (Thursday) and we'll see how it goes. If the next couple of days leave me exhausted by the time I get home, then we'll have to do something different. I may talk to the boss about working part time or something, if that's an option. Obviously my first priority is Max & Cannon. There's no way I'm not going to see them at all for three months.
I'm mainly frustrated that I can't do what I want to do. I want to be able to teach, be a mom, coach. I feel like some shell of myself, I can only do parts of each. If everything goes according to schedule, then chemo will be over December 19th. That's three months from tomorrow. I'll have radiation after that, but that shouldn't make me vomit. I'm focusing on December 19th and hopefully feeling normal again. :)

Wheee!

2008-09-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

I tried to go back to school yesterday, but I didn't make it. I should have taken a nap during my prep time, but I didn't, and I ended up going home after puking in the bathroom. Awesome. I spent last night feeling crappy, and was sick until about 8 or so, then finally started feeling better. My parents went home and came back and dad's at school today. I think I just did too much. I took the anti-nausea, but I had a little bit of a headache, and I felt a little loopy, so I guess it was too much. I feel good today, still a little unsure of how my body's going to handle anything, but good. I had coworkers bail me out yesterday and cover my classes last minute, which was relieving. I also had a student aid that was my personal escort all afternoon. He sat in the office while I was laying down in the health room. He said he wanted to make sure I was ok. Aw, nice kid.
This whole poisoning your system thing just sucks. I still realize things could be much much worse, but I'm not excited about three months of this. Three months can fly by or it can drag. When I think of how much Cannon will learn and grow in the next three months, it seems like it'll by gone before I know it. But, when I think of more needles and poisonings, yeee, doesn't sound like fun. Maybe my body will get used to it. I feel like I have permanent medicine head. When you take cold medicine and you feel a little loopy? That's how I feel most of the time. I think I can function if I take it slower and don't go gung ho, but I'll just feel weird for a while. I'll take weird over throwing up, but its not thrilling.
In the meantime, hair's still here. I over-analyze the amount that falls out. I stare at the hairbrush wondering if that's a normal amount? I know it'll all sort of come out at once in big clumps, but I'm still compelled to wonder if mine will be different and it'll just thin. Its weird to get up in the morning and check out your pillow to see how much hair is there. Definitely a different "normal."
I go to the sonogram today to check out the ovary. I'm not worried about it, I just want it over with. I am supposed to go back to the plastic surgeon tomorrow for more pumping up, but I think I'll delay that a week. I want a few days without doctors.

All Better

2008-09-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

When Max hurts himself, and we kiss it, suddenly its "all better." The puking needed more than a kiss, but we've got it figured out for now. Go drugs go!! I puked a few times yesterday, but after I put the posting on here, I stopped. I have 2 different drugs I take at alternating times, and it works! Yay! I am starting to get a little tired here and there, but not bad. I realize it will get harder, but at this point I know it is totally do-able. I have been given a variety of hats that are all very cute. I'm actually looking forward to my hair falling out so I have an excuse to wear them to school. I know the hair falling out thing may be hard when it actually happens, but right now I don't think it'll bother me. As long as I'm not nauseous, I can go about my normal day.
I went to get an immune booster shot today. Apparently 7-10 days after chemo your immune system is pretty defenseless. This is why the booster shot, to make sure I don't get really sick, and am able to stay on my 2 week schedule.
And if you didn't read the comment from Debbie yesterday, read it. Go Tillamook High School! I am totally impressed and flattered. I'm sure you did it more in support of the THS Mrs. Klumph than the SHHS Mrs. Klumph, but its amazing that that many of you did something outside of yourselves to make others feel supported and loved. My softball team has done the same thing. I hope you continue to do good things for others your entire life. I'm proud of you and Thanks!!!

7 to go...

2008-09-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

I am feeling crappy, so this will probably be short, but in spite of puking, I'm incredibly excited to have one over with. I started feeling sick last night I think just with everything going on this week, and was still feeling a little sick this morning. So Mo the amazing puker puked the first time before I even had chemo in me (about 9). The anti-nausea that they gave me through the purple port helped for a while. While the chemo went in it was totally fine. The Adriamycin was red, and made me pee red, glad they warned me of that one, and the nurse put it in which took about 15 minutes. The next one was dripped in and took about half an hour. The port is great, no pain, didn't feel it going in, nothing. I then went to acupuncture. This felt nice, but I started puking right after. I tried an anti-nausea at one, got sick again when I got home. Brent called the doctor, and is at Safeway getting anti-nausea #2. I think I'd still rather take this than cancer. Maybe we'll figure out the nausea thing, maybe we won't, but I can puke for a couple days if it means no cancer!! Love you

Unremarkable

2008-09-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of the "power port" that's in my chest. Its just below my collarbone on the right side. I had absolutely no nausea, and Amber, I loved this anesthesiologist lady. It was a different one than last time, very personable, very comforting, plus I didn't puke, so I love her! It was again hard to get the IV in, so yay for ports. My Aunt Linda is obsessed with the color purple, so I'm sure she loves that this sucker is purple. Its under my skin, just a bump that sticks up a little bit. Its not painful, I did take some drugs earlier because my right arm is a little sore, but not bad at all.
The results of the bone scan came back, and all is normal. Rumor has it that if breast cancer was to spread, it would go to bones first, so if its not there, we're probably good. I also got the CT scan report in the mail which said that the ovary thing is "cystic." Sounds good, but we have to go look and see just in case. All the other organs reported on were "unremarkable." This is a good thing, but its funny to see something from a doctor that says your chest is unremarkable. Growing up, I had plenty of teenage boys to tell me that, I didn't need a CT scan for that one!
The plastic surgeon was good. I do not have to wear the ace bandage anymore!!!! The expanding wasn't painful. One of the needles to numb me kind of hurt when it hit the muscle, but not bad. The saline that goes in says "for irrigation purposes only" on the bottle. So, I'm unremarkable and full of irrigation. Rock on. I think I'll only go back like one more time, then I think I'll be good, but I guess we'll see!
I'm feeling ok about chemo tomorrow. I really just want to get on with it so I know how it will affect me. I don't like the unknown.
I have a variety of things to take with me tomorrow to make me feel better. I'm taking the prayer shawl that I got from Peggy (Rick & Debbie's church) that I absolutely love. Something about it immediately calms me and makes me feel better. I'm taking the Dutch Bros. coffee bucks from Diane because I don't know when coffee will taste good again, and I love coffee. I'm wearing a new shirt from the Sackvilles (thank you!!!!), because who doesn't love new clothes, and shoes that Sam gave me that she's deemed "cancer perks," and my lemon slushy bracelet. I have comfort foods, as well as comfort clothes. I'll have a book of sudoku puzzles from my cousins for entertainment. And, of course, the most comforting thing that I'll have with me, is Brent. Something about that kid sitting next to me makes it all ok. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow evening, but if I don't feel up to writing, I'll have mom put something on here to let you know how I'm doing. Love you!!

Kick me

2008-09-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

Acupuncture was awesome. I left feeling totally relaxed. I felt like I was talking really slow and acting like a stoner, but it felt great! I don't know if it was the needles, or the fact that I was laying in a quiet room for like 20 minutes where my entire job was to relax. aaaahhhh. It was cool. I do that again after chemo, right after chemo, and its supposed to help with the nausea. We will see!
Monday was CT scan and bone scan. Between being injected with radioactive material while drinking the "berry flavored" drink, I was all aglow. They give you an option of berry flavored or citrus flavored. This is total crap, there is not flavor, just ew. It tasted like really creamy milk with some seven up in there, and some old lemonade. You have to make it last an hour, so you get to sip it and really get the flavor stuck in your mouth. Mmmmm. While they were trying to inject me with radioactive stuff for the bone scan, they had a hard time getting a vein to work. They tried once, missed, had a heat pack, beat on my arm for a while, had me squeezing a ball, etc then finally got one to "rise." Lucky me. Basically this was very reassuring that I need to do the port thing. I'm not excited about the port thing, but I don't want to have to hunt for veins every time I go in there, so ok, port me. Everyone says the port is the "way to go." I love that terminology, like anything about chemotherapy is the "way to go."
Anyway, the CT scan showed something questionable on my right ovary. "Cystic tissue." I get to do more tests. The doctor says she "doesn't think its cancer at all, but we have to be sure." It's probably a cyst, but there's too much stuff (organs, bones, etc.) in that area to see clearly, so ultrasound next Tuesday to check it out. At this point I don't know if I'm not concerned about this because I have some sort of intuition that tells me not to worry, or if I'm not concerned because its just one more thing in my new "norm." Kind of like if you keep kicking someone with the same force, eventually they'll probably get used to it, you have to kick a lot harder before its going to create a reaction. Kick me again, its cool, I can take it. Brent & I talked about it, Me: "ok, worse case scenario, its cancer, another surgery, and more chemo." Brent: "ok, fine, whatever." We're becoming numb. We just know there's nothing we can really do about it, so "whatever."
The oncologist says my hair will fall out after the first treatment. Again, I want to know exactly when. I don't know why, just makes me curious. Am I going to be taking a shower Saturday and all of a sudden its all gone? I've heard women say they shake their head from side to side and there's hair floating in the air all around them. When it does start falling, I'm thinking I'll shave it. Why wait for the last bit to go? We're going to call it a "shaving party" for Max's benefit. Anything with the word party attached he thinks is great, give him a sucker, maybe he'll want to help shave, he'll be good. Cannon's happy as long as he's eaten, so he should be good too.
I won't be at school tomorrow and Friday, so its weird to say to my students "see you Monday maybe." Having no idea what's about to happen has also become my new norm, but I still don't like it. I want to have some idea. Oh well. Ok, I have to plan for Mr. Sime to be here tomorrow & Friday, so off to work I go!!

Doctors, doctors, doctors

2008-09-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

This teaching stuff is really getting in the way of my freelance writing career... I am loving being back at work. The students have been awesome. I've been brutally honest with them, which is of course all I know how to do, and they've handled it marvelously. Even the freshman, at least day one and day two, they were good. They could totally be a ticking time bomb, but I'll take what I can get. I have one student who is laughing about her teacher telling the class that she can't shave one armpit because of lack of feeling. These are the things that students tell their parents that they're learning at school. They never tell them that I actually teach them math concepts, just that I have a hairy armpit. Gotta love teenagers.
Thank you for all your insights into my 76%. I'm good now, doesn't bother me, doesn't consume my thoughts anymore, much less desire to scream from the rooftops. Although I would like to hang out with the homeless guy that Lisa commented on. I think I have a lot to learn from him.
I seem to have joined a cancer club now, and some of you may have as well just in talking about it with others. I've had three other staff members come talk to me about lumps they've found, husbands with cancer, etc. Its pretty amazing how widespread it is. I'm hoping at some point I learn how to say things to people to make them feel better. I empathize (probably spelled wrong) with them, but I don't know what to say other than "that sucks." It does make me feel better to hear all the other stories. Its comforting to know you're not alone, and that there are tons of people that made it through as much as I have, and more.
Next week I have some sort of doctor thing everyday. Wheee!! Monday is a bone scan and a CT scan. I think these are both to look and make sure cancer hasn't spread as well as to give baseline info to compare to as I go through chemo. I will probably call the doctor to find out exactly why these are recommended, but I'm really tired of talking to the doctors on the phone at this point. Tuesday is acupuncture, excited about this, Wednesday is the plastic surgeon to start enlarging my chest (and hopefully to remove ace bandage!!??). Thursday, port goes in my chest at 9AM. I have to be knocked out for this again, I'm totally afraid of puking from anesthetic, but I guess we'll see. And finally Friday, the big CHEMO followed by acupuncture again. The good news is that I think I'll be so busy running around trying to figure out where I'm going that I won't have too much time to develop severe anxiety over chemo. Maybe...
Totally non cancer related, this morning as I'm trying to get Max & Cannon ready to go so I'm not late for a meeting, Cannon coats the carpet in poo. I'm thrilled, obviously. Stupidly I did not put a diaper on him after this, thinking it was done, so after I got it cleaned up, I got poo #2. I finally got him and carpet cleaned up, and realized I had some urin on the bottom of my skirt. Ok, I have freaking cancer, shouldn't there be some sort of universal karmic thing that prevents me from having to clean poo off my carpet and pee off of me!!!?? Apparently not. Those little dudes are always a good reality check. Oh, in the middle of this, Max stopped watching cartoons long enough to yell, "Mommy!!!! Cannon pooped!!!" Thanks Max.
I also found out yesterday that I will be doing radiation after chemo is done. I don't know yet if that means we're radiating chest & armpit, or just one of them. Apparently four weeks after chemo, we start this one. In an ideal world, chemo will always happen on schedule, my body will always be ready for it, and I'll be done December 19th. Four weeks after this I start radiation everyday for 35ish days. I have coworkers that live in Corvallis, so I think I'll hitch a ride over with them, and ride back home with Brent. I think all of this scheduling is just preparing me for my future when Max & Cannon are older, and involved in 9 activities at a time, and I have to figure out which one happens where and when and keep track of it all. If I can balance doctors, I can balance little league. That's all the info I have for now. Thanks again for the cards and gift cards, and one "Chuck D. Duck" figurine. Randy & Nell are either really funny, or something is seriously wrong with them. ha ha!!

F Word

2008-08-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

The only reason the real F word isn't up there is for Debbie & Grandma Milly. I had two doctor appointments yesterday and after I felt like standing on a really big building and screaming the F word as loud as I could. I do, however, live in Sweet Home where there aren't big buildings, so I guess we're good there. First was the oncologist. I wasn't expecting this to be hard, but for some reason when I got there, and saw the chemo paperwork and the dr. degrees on the wall with "oncology" on them, I freaked. She walked into the room and I started crying. Crap, I'm tired of crying in public. I got the sympathetic "I'm sorry" from her, cried more. Crap. So, she goes through this paperwork with my pathology report, my age, my health (pre-cancer) and gives me a number. The number is my chance of living for ten years, age 40. I have a 76% chance of making it. F WORD. 76!!!!!???? I wasn't ready for a number, and I definitely wasn't ready for a low number like that. Thanks to my math teacher dad and mother in-law, and Donna Miles, the expert, I'm feeling normal again today. All reassured me that everyone has a percentage out there somewhere, whether its driving in a car, flying in an airplane, whatever, everyone has one, I just have to actually know what mine is. And from a math perspective this is a small number, in the medical world, this is a big number. And as Dad said, you do everything you have to do, stay positive, good attitude, etc, to ensure you're in the 76%. Ok, I can do that. I went and had a beer and french fries after the doctor, it helped some.
So, the good news is that the oncologist seems to think chemo won't be a big deal for me. The first treatment tends to be the worst mainly because of the anxiety of it all, yup, I've got that part covered. Apparently my hair will fall out right away. I'm ok with the bald thing, I'm guessing when it actually happens I'll freak out, but right now, I'm oddly curious what I'll look like without hair... I'm going to cut it short before it falls out, maybe next weekend. My hope is that it will be a little easier on Cannon & Max. I've always wanted to cut my hair short, but been too afraid to do it, well, this is a face your fears few months so screw it.
Next was the surgeon, this is all good news. Healing well, plastic surgeon did a fabulous job, little bit of tightness in the left arm, we're cruising. Oh, I do have to continue to wear the ace bandage. This is like wearing a tight bra all the time. For those of you, like me, that love that moment at the end of the day when the bra comes off, you'll understand why this is a little annoying, but whatever. The ace bandage has to do with the expander bags and holding them in place. I don't picture them just moving around and suddenly they're at my knees, but fine. The plastic surgeon is in charge of when that comes off, and he seems to be good, so I'll do whatever he wants me to do.
My next appointments are: September 10th acupuncture, followed by plastic surgeon who will "pump me up." September 11th put in the port for the chemo at 9AM, and then September 12th is the first chemo appointment, followed by the second half of acupuncture. Mr. and Mrs. Sime will be busy teaching and babysitting this week. :) A lot of these appointments will require drugs before or after, so I have a lot of vicatin (see, I don't even know how to spell it!) in my future. I was sore last night and haven't been sleeping well, so I took 1/2 a pill, and the other 1/2 about 3 this morning. It didn't make me nauseous, so that was good to know. I was afraid I'd take drugs for pain and end up puking again. Oh! Chemo doctor also said that those people who try to keep their lives as normal as possible while doing chemo treatments, etc, seem to fair better. What? I made a good decision to work? Ha!
So, that was my crummy day yesterday, I'm feeling really good this morning, back to the good attitude part of life. I know the number, the shock sucked, but I had to hear it sometime. Thanks again for the cards and gifts, Diane, the bucket of candy and popcorn got here yesterday and was perfect timing. I ate honey roasted peanuts and again, felt much better. And for a brief male update: Cannon is close to crawling, he waves at you across the room and it makes you laugh everytime. Max is as stubborn and cute as ever, and has scammed both grandpas into doughnuts at the store, but the grandmas, (as he calls them Smamas) occassionally resist. Brent would have been right next to me yelling the F word yesterday, but is excited to be making salsa today, and is doing fabulous.

Working Girl

2008-08-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

Ha ha! Lauren mentioned that the title here immediately made her think prostitute, which cracks me up, so I'm leaving it. I'm still teaching, I haven't turned to a life of selling myself. :)
I've made it through three days of work. I feel really good today. I went home at three yesterday just exhausted, so I probably should have gone home a little earlier, but I took a nap and slept well last night, so I feel better. This whole day has been in my classroom, and I brought Max with me for a while, so its been good. I love my coworkers, so being around them makes me feel like I have a normal life and makes me feel better. Every time I moved in a meeting, they were making sure I was ok, and offering to get me water, etc. They take good care of me here. Plus, I can ask for anything I want around here, and nobody's going to say no to me!! I have a better spot to sit in assemblies, I have the classroom assistants I want, I might have to play this cancer card a couple more times... ha ha I've also seen some students and been reminded why I love my job. I had a whole softball team who over the last month has brought me cards and gifts and made things easier. They're good kids, and I'm excited to see them. I know some of you think its ridiculous that I'm going to work, but I'm excited to be able to do it, I definitely have a new perspective on things.
I will try to put a picture of myself on here just so you know that I'm not like sickly looking, and walking around all pale and achy. :) I've had some requests for pictures for some reason. Don't worry I'll keep my shirt on! I look normal, I just have a very square chest area from the ace bandage wrapped around me. I believe its for swelling? I should know, but I tend to forget to ask important questions. I've been able to shower on my own which has been a wonderful thing for everyone, and I put my hair in a ponytail all by myself today. I feel like a little kid who's proud of tying his shoes.
I will probably have to do chemo through a port in my chest, so that sucks, but apparently a port in my chest is the better way to go. Whatever, more surgery sucks, but I don't seem to have much of a choice in this stuff. Its an in and out surgery, its less anesthetic, and hopefully much less or no puking. I don't know when we do that one, but I think we'll schedule it this Friday when I meet with the oncologist. I'm guessing. I always think I know what's going to happen, and very rarely have I been right. I also meet with the surgeon this Friday to check on healing I guess. I would like to not have to wear an ace bandage anymore, but again, I have no idea.
I talked to the acupuncture lady yesterday. It sounds like its to help relieve some of the anxiety of the whole thing, help the liver, heart, kidneys, and to help with the nausea from chemo. I go before and after chemo treatments. I'm not stoked about puking my guts again, so I'm hoping it helps. I've heard good things, but "everyone's different."
For my wonderful Gonzalez cousins. You're awesome. I ate some amazing home made tortillas last night, the enchiladas are thawing for tonight, (my dad's upset he won't be there for them), and the rest of the food we're saving until we start chemo and things get more hectic. Pate the hippie pants for Max & Cannon are the coolest things ever, and the gifts for the little guys is a great idea. When I have no energy, and no way to entertain, those will be perfect. And you can email me the pic of the shirts, or send it to me in the mail. Randy & Nell, the food you guys brought is so stinking good, I'm waiting for a special occasion because I don't want to have to share it with anyone.
My parents are leaving Thursday or Friday, and will be back when chemo starts. Dad's nervous about teaching again, my students will love him. My mom has been cleaning the house, taking care of most meals, and of course Max, Cannon, and me. If I show the smallest sign of being tired, I'm sent to the couch. Max understands that I can't pick him up because of the "big big band-aid" on my chest and seems to be ok with it. Cannon's the happy kid who wants to roll all over the floor to wherever Max is. Its soooo much better having them home. Brent's handling it all. The in laws living here, the wife with the emotions, the kids with the occasional screaming, and the job. I HAVE THE GREATEST FAMILY EVER!!!!

Pathology report

2008-08-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

These are some of my "people." Jesse & baby Avery McClintic, and my dad with Gary & Janna toasting me. I have some on my phone, a few more on email (Lisa wasn't proud of her picture and wouldn't want it shared), and my cousin Amy sent one in the frame already printed. She's an overachiever. :) I love them!! Believe it or not, we're out of shirts. They went fast.

Dr. Faddis is the general surgeon who we went to see yesterday. He said it was a far more aggressive tumor than we originally thought, "nasty" were his words. Parts of it were high grade, meaning it was growing faster, I already told you it was bigger, and the node thing. Apparently its still up in the air as to whether or not I'll need radiation in addition to chemo. He said he's not totally convinced I need to, and if I do then there's a 25% chance that the implant on that side won't work. I don't really care about being a uniboob, so whatever. He has organized a panel of people (about 20)to talk about whether or not it needs to happen. He's taking good care of me. MARGINS WERE CLEAR around it, it had also spread to the nipple (sorry if you didn't want to know that). So basically he said it was all information that meant I was in good shape, I made the right decision with the mastectomy, lumpectomy wouldn't have been an option, and the only thing that really changes is the possible radiation. Totally do-able, not painful.

When I saw the doctor yesterday, he was really surprised at how well I'm healing and the most exciting part of all is THE DRAINS ARE GONE. I had these sweet plastic grenade shaped bottles hanging off of me that come along with long drain tubes. Very flattering. Brent wasn't impressed with the dance I invented to go along with it, but whatever. I was on an adrenaline rush yesterday. I saw the incisions, and the skin, etc, and it was TONS better than I thought it was going to be. It wasn't exactly pretty, but way better. When I asked the doctor if it would hurt when the drain came out his reply was "doesn't hurt me." Funny doctor man. So anyway, he also told me I could pick up my kids if it wasn't painful (Max still is), and start doing some stretches and things. I went a little crazy last night as far as moving my arms and such, expecting to be sore today. I'm not sore! I picked up Cannon yesterday and it felt soooo good to be able to pick up the little(?) guy. Good for my heart.

So basically, I'm going to work Monday, and very excited to be able to. One of the hardest parts is behind me. There's still some soreness, stretches to do, mobility and healing, but the big pain and operation is done! Yippee!! Chemo will be the next huge one, obviously. I'm still terrified of that, but the only reason we do that is in case there is some "microscopic cancer cell that is floating around somewhere." Big scary nasty tumor is gone! I can take showers, I have a few wraps now so the stinky one can be washed, I have been able to actually scratch some of the itches, I may even attempt to shave my legs today. Don't worry I won't get cocky.

My kids are coming home!!!!

2008-08-21T09:29:00.001-07:00

Ok, I can't seem to get the pictures and stuff next to the writing on the right over there --> so I tried inserting a picture into the text. We'll see. I don't like trying to figure out what's wrong with computer stuff, so whatever. Anyway, Max & Cannon are coming home today!!! I'm so excited to see them. They are mama's boys and sorry Rick, but they will continue to be for a while and I don't care. They will be spoiled for a bit. :) We rented movies to watch in bed with Max, and I can get up and down to the floor with no problem, so we should have plenty we can do. And we have lots and lots of books. Yay!
We got the pathology stuff yesterday, well a brief version of it from the doctor. The tumor was freaking huge, but apparently really doesn't matter. It would be wonderful if they looked at it and it was small, but more for peace of mind. It was 4.5 cm, which is more than twice what they thought. Yeee!! However, it doesn't change treatment, nothing, so it just doesn't really matter. There were 5 lymph nodes that were removed, and cancer was found in three. My understanding is that if its not in all 5, it's cool. The stage of cancer now goes from borderline 1-2 to 2-3. If it had been in one more lymph node, then I would have been stage 3, but I'm stage 2. This matters to doctors for some reason (we meet with surgeon tomorrow, I'll ask more about this), but my treatment would have been the same regardless of the number of nodes it is in. I will have eight chemo treatments every other week starting mid September ish. We meet with the oncologist on the 29th. Because the tumor was bigger, if it was deep enough, then we may have to do radiation as well, which will happen after chemo. Radiation is more of an inconvenience than anything else, having to be about 35 days in a row, everyday except weekends and holidays. The whole process takes about 10 minutes, if that, and side effects are skin irritation and tightness, that sort of thing, no injections, no nausea, so whatever. I have a few questions for the surgeon tomorrow. I would love to take these drains out, but I guess we'll see. I can move my arms a bit more, which helps with the little irritating things. And I haven't had much pain. There's always a comfortable position I can find without pain, just sometimes takes longer than others to find it.
The little irritating things crack me up. In the hospital when there was more aches and pains, everytime I lifted my head from the pillow it caused pain, so when I wanted to turn my head, I wouldn't lift and turn, just turn. This sounds minor, but that meant laying my head to one side my ear was always folded over. I know, major surgery, pain, morphine, nausea, and the annoying part is that my ear is folded and I can't do anything about it... I'm gifted. I also couldn't scratch my head. At one point I pulled a Grandma Hazel and scratched my head with my fork which felt sooo good. I believe Grandma got booted from a nursing home for this maneuver, but they let me stay. This turning on the pillow and not bathing also meant I had some sweet hair. Seriously sticking out everywhere. This part didn't bother me, just the ear thing. I put one of Brent's shirts on by myself yesterday. It was slow, and it had to be Brent's shirt so the arms were low enough to get into, but it worked! I have had my hair washed twice, (oh my God, that's amazing!!) and I haven't taken any drugs since yesterday afternoon. I think I'm healing!! (I'm singing that one). Overall, I'm feeling really, really good.
I'm not excited about chemo, obviously. I've heard stories of those that do great, I've heard stories of transfusions and hospitalizations. I have no idea where I'll be on the spectrum of this. ("Everyone handles it differently") I'm just trying to focus on healing right now, and I'll get ready for chemo after I meet with the oncologist. We'll see... I'll try to write again after we talk to the surgeon and get some more info.
I've checked every comment on here, and am flattered its sent to so many! From Ireland to Alaska, Georgia, Southern California, right on!! If you have other questions, or stuff you want to know feel free to ask, I'm obviously not shy about this sort of thing.

Cancer free baby!

2008-08-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm in a hell of a lot of pain, and look like frankenstein when I walk, but I don't have a lump of cancer in me anymore!! I had all sorts of drugs, morphine drips, vicatin, oxycoton, and some anti-nausea drugs. That anti-nausea stuff is a bunch of crap. I've been puking for a few days, which totally sucks. I just stopped taking drugs, and it seems to have slowed. My stomach is up and down, but seems to be feeling better. I can't tell you how good it feels to be at home in my own sweatpants and my own bed. Mom and Dad and Brent are all here, so that is hugely helpful. I have three people waiting on me hand and foot. I promise I'm taking advantage. Brent's going to get annoyed with me first, mom will try to everything and exhaust herself and dad will zone into his own little world. :) I love them all! I don't know how people do this without family and friends to help. Especially my friends and family. If you are some of the people that got pink tie-dyed shirts from my Aunt Linda, she made 70 of them. We have some extras. There was a parade of people at the hospital in pink tie-dye that said "mo's people." How cool is that!?
The surgeon tells me the surgery went well. He said the incisions are very small. At this point I really don't care, but I'm sure I will at some point. I can get up and move around and I'm getting very good at the "butt shimmy." When I sit and have to maneuver without my arms, its pretty entertaining. Try it, you can't help but laugh, and you'll be familiar with the "butt shimmy."
I had a flower shop in my hospital room. It was beautiful, and I had some visitors as well. Thanks for everything. I feel like there's a hell of a lot more ahead of me, but one giant step is over. Just getting through surgery makes me feel a lot better. I can handle aches and pains, I just don't like being knocked out, or the drugs that come with it. Oh,and it was in my lymph nodes,so they had to take those too. Basically means I'll have a more "rigorous" route for chemo, but I'm not going to think about it until I feel better. They're supposed to let me know in a couple of days how many lymph nodes are involved. I may have to do radiation as well as chemo, but we'll see, and again, I'll focus on that later. Sam, thanks for the comments and max & cannon stories. I'm excited to see those guys!!!!!!!! Ok, arms are tired, write more later!!

2008-08-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to let you all know that Mo's surgery went well and the Doctor said things look good! Mo is doing fine and is sore, tired, hungry and nauseous (as to be expected!)

Mo so appreciates all the beautiful flowers and cards she has received and sends out a very heartfelt thank you to everyone.

24 Hours!!

2008-08-14T13:02:00.001-07:00

I left Max & Cannon in Tillamook today. Cried all the way down the road until I realized I could listen to music really loud that wasn't Dora the Explorer, I could stop to pee without major difficulty, and I didn't have to have a puke bucket for Max. The rest of the drive was beautiful outside and a lot of singing at the top of my lungs.

At this time tomorrow, I'll be well into surgery! Most of the time, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I can't believe the emotional roller coaster I'm on, I thought pregnancy hormones were an adventure... I had no idea. I hit those moments during the day where I start to get a little freaked, but I keep focusing on the positive and fighting off the negative. Sounds cheesy, but whatever works at this point. I do some visualization of myself waking up, there's pain, but I picture a complete sense of relief that its all gone! The surgery is over. aaahhhh...

I have had many survivors that I talk to give me sort of their survival tips for how to make it through, visualization, nutrition, exercise, meditation, journal, etc. I considered all of these, but to do them all is just exhausting and irritating. I finally decided whatever makes me feel better is what I'm going to do. I've eaten ridiculous amounts of cookies the last week, I've exercised not at all, and I had a giant steak. My heart might not be thrilled, but I'm happy! One woman basically told me to do whatever I felt like I needed to do to feel like I have a complete "circle of healing." What makes me feel better is all of you. I re-read happy thoughts over and over again, and it makes me feel stronger. I will cut down on the cookies, but basically, you make me feel better, so thank you.

I feel about as ready as I can be for the surgery. How do you really know? For some reason part of my preparation is to do pointless things, like shave my armpits, and pluck my eyebrows, because who knows when I can do that again, and having Brent or my mom do it is a little frightening. They inject some blue dye in me tomorrow at 9:30, which apparently turns my skin blue-ish purple in that area, like a bruise, and then they're going to draw on me to know where to cut and such. So, I'm shaving my stupid armpits, because that's a concern, but I'm going to wake up without a couple body parts, and with bruise-like things and drawings all over me. Totally makes sense. Anyway, I will hopefully be home Sunday. I will be bringing some cards and letters with me to the hospital, I will be sleeping my butt off, kind of excited about that part, and don't worry I won't say no to drugs. :) I LOVE YOU!!!

Pre-surgery

2008-08-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have a blog. I've thought about this, but there is some part of me that feels like this is very egotistical to think that other people would want to read about my thoughts, but at the same time, this seems like it would be an easy way to keep everyone updated, filled in, etc. I have been emailing some friends regularly just to vent, I felt comfortable forcing them to listen to my every thought, and I notice I have a tendency to ramble. I don't think I'm capable of Gary Thomas rambling (I read the entire email that he sends, and I like it!), but I do go on and on, so if you're not interested in reading, I promise I'm not offended, I totally understand. I also tend to offer more information than you want to know. I'll try not to do this on the internet, but consider yourself warned.

Ok, I have bilateral mastectomy surgery with reconstruction this Friday. I check in at 7:30, and they I think start operating about 11:30. Its supposed to take about 4 hours I think from the time they knock me out to the time I wake up. Brent, my parents, and I think Aunt Linda and Debbie are going to be at the hospital. I have a feeling I'll have no idea they're there, but Brent will have people to talk to, and keep him from watching the clock. The reconstruction consists of lifting my muscle, and placing a flat expander bag underneath. They pump it up a little and apparently when I wake up I'll feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Cool. I've seen a Utube video of some guy that gets his head stuck in an elephant's butt, so I guess I'll be doing better than that guy.

Anyway, earliest I'll go home is Sunday. Max and Cannon are staying with Rick & Debbie which will be great as far as physical recovery, but will be hard when they're usually the ones to make me smile. Rick & Debbie set up a web cam on our home computer as well as theirs, so I'll be able to talk to them through that. We're kind of excited to test that out. The doctor says I won't be able to pick them up for quite a while. He says 3-4 weeks, other people have told me longer. Some doctors say I can go back to work, others tell me to take at least a month off. I'm hoping to go back to school when kids are there. I can't move my arms much, but I can talk just fine. I have no idea how severe the pain will be, everyone handles it differently, so its all just a wait and see what happens kind of deal.

I go back to plastic surgeon (never thought I would be the family member visiting a plastic surgeon) three weeks after surgery and we start pumping the expander bags up. Again, some people say its no big deal, others say it hurts like hell. Then chemo starts about four weeks after surgery, the "cocktail" that I get to have depends on whether or not its in the lymph nodes. We find this out during surgery. And, again, everyone handles it differently. Some are out for weeks, some are back to work Monday. All we really know right now is dates of doctor appointments.

Its weird, but all the hard stuff starts after the cancer's gone. Technically, I'm cancer free as of Friday night, which is going to be the main thought I keep repeating to myself over and over again. The rest is just preventative crap. It'll suck and be hard, but I'm pretty good at finding the right perspective. I'm trying not to dread surgery, but looking forward to the lump that is cancer to be GONE!

Sorry, I told you I'm wordy, but I do have to tell all of you how much you have helped and will help and are helping. I think I have the record for the biggest supportive group of people ever. I have received more cards, letters, gifts, emails, text messages, offers of assistance, and positive thoughts and prayers than I ever thought possible. Every one of them makes me smile, every one of them makes me feel spoiled. I appreciate it more than I can express in my self-involved blog. Thank you, I love you all. I hope you know that it all makes a difference. I'd like to say next time it won't be as long, but its probably a lie...

A Blog For Mo

2008-08-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Mo's blog!

Because we all care about Mo and want to support her, we will be updating this blog with all the latest information on her progress. Please keep checking in for the latest updates and feel free to leave comments to show your support!